


Smuggler's Choice

by trashfan2003



Category: Post star wars episode 7, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Injured Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren Being a Little Shit, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo goes commando, Kylo ren is a snuggler, Protective Kylo Ren, Smuggler with a heart of gold, Virgin Kylo Ren, watch me make up medical treatments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-09-20 17:47:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9502985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashfan2003/pseuds/trashfan2003
Summary: Darrah Mereel always finds herself in the middle of conflicts beyond her control. Escaping a fire fight our Captain Mereel has a chance encounter with an injured Kylo Ren. Finding herself in the custody of The First Order she has several hard choices in front of her.





	1. Trip of Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling can be hard for both parties involved especially when it's litteral.

  
****

Trip of Fate 

***Darrah**** 

 

Jarred by the explosion Darrah looked up as dust floated down and landed in her drink. The scream of a TIE Fighter blasted through the air, making the building tremble. Slapping down a few credits Darrah ran out of the cantina towards the starport with only one thing on her mind, get the hell out. 

She dodged between buildings after catching sight of the white armor of stormtroopers. They always shot first and asked questions never. Rounding the corner she saw a few Resistance forces taking cover behind a wall. As usual she found herself in the middle of a fire fight. A low curse escaped her lips, hunching down low she ran behind rubble dodging shots from both sides, she could see her ship the gangway still down inviting her to take a chance.

Running quickly as she could, hearing a blast she looked over her shoulder then fell over something large, tumbling head over ass she landed hard. She looked at the mass of black and silver that had tripped her, she heard a muffled moan. It had a helmet on that looked slightly dented, "Are you alright?" she asked out of breath. It moaned a response and sat up, even through the mask it looked confused, looking around. "This area is a fire fight, I’m getting out, come on I’ll take you with me." It-he, she was pretty sure it was male at his point, struggled to stand grasping his hand she pulled him up to his full height, he towered over her. She could see blood coming from a large hole in his cloak. 

"You're hurt pretty bad, come on, let's get out of here, once we hit hyper space I’ll pull off somewhere and we'll see just how bad it is," he nodded. When she took his hand he gripped it hard. "It's okay," she said, "I won't let anyone hurt you."

After some tricky flying she made the jump to hyperspace and set their exit a few light years away at the edge of an asteroid field. He sat back in her small med bay, hands on his knees after coming back to normal space she set course for a local planet favored by smugglers and hutts relatively safe from Resistance and First Order troops. She walked back to him, "Let's see how bad this is okay? Can you take off your helmet?"

He looked confused again but nodded and slowly removed his helmet. The smell of vomit became overwhelming, "You've definitely got a concussion she said," fighting back her own nausea, she opened a pack of cleaning cloths and and began wiping his face trying not to look disgusted. A large scar ran between his eyes and down across his right cheek his eyes were dilated one pupil larger than the other. She turned down the lights and he seemed to relax a little, "Can you take your shirt or cloak off? I need to see how bad the wound on your chest is." He seemed to struggle with the question for a moment, then moved to pull off his shirt and winced. "Hey it's okay, here let's see if it fastens somewhere?”

It did, over his shoulder she unbuttoned it and found a zipper and unzipped it, pulling it down over his shoulders and baring his chest and stomach. He had dozens of scars, some very recent and barely healed. The wound on his chest seemed superficial, just torn skin that probably needed stitches. She fished around in the med pack and found a vial of bacta spray, "Here we go, I can spray this and it will hold you over till we get you to a doctor," she smiled. He stared at her and tried to smile back but she could tell that the confusion overwhelmed him.

"Where should I take you? Any preference?" He seemed to think about it but couldn't quite connect the dots, she noticed gooseflesh rise on his skin. "Here we go," she wrapped a thermal blanket around him, "Just take it easy and-"

Sensors went off everywhere, they were in a tractor beam. She ran to the cockpit to see that they were being pulled into a large star destroyer. "Great...."

After being forcibly docked and boarded by stormtroopers she and her passenger were marched off the ship, he held tight to her hand as she reassured him, "It's okay, I probably just crossed over into their space, I'm sure once we explain it, they'll treat you and let us go on our way." She didn't believe it, but it seemed to keep him calm.

"Kylo Ren, " called a slight but commanding man, "we picked up your tracker and came for you, we thought perhaps the Resistance had taken you." He looked at Darrah suspiciously, "Yet I don't believe you are Resistance? Ren?" He said again sounding annoyed.

"I'm not, I'm just an independent freighter," she lied, trying to keep her voice steady, "I found him dazed and bleeding in the starport, I didn't realize he was actually in the fire fight. I thought maybe he had just gotten caught up in it like myself, but I think he has a concussion. He could really use a doctor." 

"I see, take Kylo Ren to the medbay and arrest her," Darrah began to open her mouth but Kylo Ren answered.

"No," he said softly, gripping her hand, looking from Darrah to the man, confusion plain on his face.

"I told him I wouldn't let him out of my sight or let anyone hurt him, I think he's scared," she said gently, her heart pounding.

"Fine, take them to medbay," a bemused look crossed his face, as if Kylo Ren scared and clutching to a stranger made the annoyance worth it.

 

Back in the medbay doctors attended Kylo Ren, giving her curt nods, "I think the bacta spray has already healed the wound on his chest," the doctor said, "but we'll need to scan his brain to make sure there isn't any damage.” He activated the scanner and moved to scan Kylo, but he resisted. 

"Hey," Darrah said softly to him, "I told you, I’ll keep you safe, he needs to check your brain, okay? It won't hurt it's just a simple scan." He nodded, Darrah motioned to the doctor.

"His brain is bruised but he should be back to normal in a day or two," the doctor seemed on edge.

"See you're going to be fine," She squeezed his hand gently and he squeezed back, "Does he need any special medicines?"

"Just rest, he also needs to stay calm, so I'm going to suggest to General Hux you stick around until he's better, " the doctor looked apologetic.

"General Hux?" Darrah repeated.

"He wanted to arrest you," Kylo said softly, his eyes still looked dazed but he seemed to focus on her, "but he won't." He shook his head as if trying to clear it but winced.

"It's okay," she said, “I told you, I'm going to make sure you're okay, I’ll stay with you until you feel better."

The doctor backed away slowly, "I'll um, I’ll have someone show you to his quarters."

 

"Quarters huh? And here I thought I was saving you from the fight, bet you caused it didn't you?" She smiled at him and he tried to smile back.

"Keep watch on him, contact me if the vomiting returns or if he worsens." The doctor, edged back further, "I'll send an orderly with a lift chair."

A little while later Darrah found herself in Kylo Ren's quarters, "Bare but not bad," She said more to herself than Kylo since he didn't seem to follow the one sided conversation. He stood looking at his bed, confused, as if knowing he needed to be in it but couldn't figure out its purpose or how to get inside it.

"Tired?" She asked. He nodded, wincing again. "I know it hurts, but after a little rest you'll feel better. Do you know where your pajamas would be?" He looked around absolutely befuddled as if the pajamas would present themselves from the ceiling or floor. Darrah found a closet and a chest of drawers. "Hmmm," she puzzled, "all black huh?" She smiled pulling out a soft sleep shirt and pants with a drawstring. "Here we go, let's get this off and some soft pants on.” She slipped the shirt over his head and pulled his arms through as gently as she could, the chest wound now scabbed and healing nicely, "nothing like bacta for flesh wounds," he nodded in response.

 

"Okay, pants off and we'll get these on, " he paused for a moment, confused, his fingers fumbled with the buttons but couldn't quite get them undone. “You'll need help with this," she wanted to give him some modesty but realized he couldn't handle it. Unbuttoning his pants they fell away revealing that he apparently didn't prefer underwear, "Oh my, " she said blushing, holding the sleep pants open for him to step in and helping him pull them up,"I didn't expect that," a smiled played at his lips but didn't quite form.

 

"Let's get you into bed," she pulled back his covers and patted the mattress, he sat down and looked up at her, "what?" She asked. He reached out for her hand and scooted backwards," Oh, you want me to stay with you... in the bed? "

"Please," he said, "I don't like..." he trailed off, struggling to form the words, "I don't like the dark... alone," he said his brows knit, he seemed worried.

"Okay," she said his scared look softened her a bit, "I’ll have to borrow some pajamas," he looked confused, but she moved to the closet and pulled out more pajama bottoms and another shirt. "Turn your head so I can change," he looked at her for a moment and slowly turned his head away. She shed her pants and pulled on the sleep pants, pulling off her top and bra she sighed softly at the release of the elastic. He turned his head as if to respond but then turned back a blush creeping up his ears. She smiled, her bare chest definitely didn't confuse him.

She walked slowly towards the bed, "You can look again," she said softly. He scoot over farther and she climbed in. He moved next to her and turned over, she smiled wrapping her arm around him. She turned down the bed side light, leaving a low soft light, "There, not completely dark," he relaxed and within moments seemed to drift off. She stroked his hair still a little stiff and dirty, she grimaced knowing what would be in it, but the cleaning cloths had taken away the scent. Slowly she drifted off to sleep, one arm securely wrapped around Kylo.


	2. Hangover from battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wakes up next to someone wondering just what the hell happened the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch me make up all kinds of medical stuff.

**** Kylo ****

 

Kylo Ren's eyes fluttered, he felt warm, and oddly safe, a comforting weight pressed against him. Closing his eyes he relaxed into it, his eyes snapped back open and he jerked coming awake all at once, his head throbbing violently at the movement. He groaned softly, the warmth behind him shifted and groaned in response. Sitting up gingerly he removed the arm from around him and tried to stand, but it came at a price. His head spun and he went to his hands and knees, he could feel vomit coming and crawled to the bathroom. Finally reaching it he fumbled with the lid to the toilet and vomited up everything he'd eaten in 3 days, laying his head on the cool bowl of the toilet he tried to think about what had caused this, it wasn't like him to drink. Even if he did it was only enough to lighten his mood, never to this much. He had never been drunk to his recollection. He couldn't seem to clear his mind or stop the buzzing in his ears. Grabbing the sink he slowly stood.

Kylo looked haggard, like he hadn't slept in days, he could smell vomit on himself and in his hair. He turned the shower on letting the steam billow out. Removing his clothes he stepped in and leaned against the wall letting the water scald him, he washed as best as he could removing the filth. Grabbing for a towel he toweled off. 

Then remembering the sleeping form in his bed he wrapped the towel around his waist and slowly walked out, his head throbbing. He dressed slowly then collapsed in a chair across from the bed, elbows resting on his knees. He could feel it coming again but fought back the vomit. He could vaguely remember a woman helping him, being kind to him, and feeling safe.

She sat up, and looked at him, he squinted, making her come into focus, She blinked. "Good Morning," she said, "How are you feeling?"

"Like someone drove a pike through my head," felt the vomit rising again and he puked in the trashcan beside the chair.

 

She tripped out of bed, tangled in the bed clothes and came to his side, after he finished she looked at his eyes, "Your pupils are still dilated, we need to call the doctor."

"No," he said, "I'll go to him.' he stood and the world spun, he sat back down, breathing heavily. He stood again, bracing himself against the wall.

"Really, he said he'd come right here," she offered waving to the com system.

"No," he said firmly, he started walking to the door and went down on one knee, she walked over to him and offered a hand, he looked up.

"Well, I'll help you if you're determined to walk there," he grasped her hand and she pulled him up. She grabbed the trash can, "Here put your arm around my shoulders and I'll help support your weight," he nodded, wincing.

"What happened to my head?" His voice low.

"I'm not sure, I found you concussed, I didn't realize you were a part of the firefight. I thought you were just caught in the middle like me, but your friends caught us and took me into custody, but you seemed to follow my directions so," she took more than half his weight, "here we are. I'm awaiting some sort of arrest and helping you get to the doctor."

"Thank you," he said pressing the door control, the bright light of the hall turned his stomach, and he groaned, "it's so bright."

She nodded, "The doctor said you'd be sensitive to light, but that if you kept vomiting, to alert him, there may be more damage than he thought." He tensed, "But he seemed to think there would be an easy remedy. You're going to be okay," she smiled and he wanted to return the smile, but didn't, he didn't know why but he believed her.

"It's dangerous to take a stranger on your ship," he said quietly, his own voice hurt his head.

"Well, it is… but you can't leave someone to die or worse, be taken prisoner, both sides are anxious about people caught in the middle, who don't have a side." 

"You're not aligned with the Resistance?"

"No," She paused, "I've worked for both sides at this point, whoever offers me more to haul supplies."

 

"So you're a smuggler?" He thought of his father, pain shot through his chest and head.

"Independent freighter, which sometimes smuggles if the price is high enough," she slowed, "you're sweating a lot, the med bay is still pretty far, are you sure about this?"

"I am," he pressed on.

"You're stubborn," she chuckled.

Eventually they reached the medbay, Kylo collapsed on the closest bed, as the doctor rushed over. "Sir," he practically shouted.

Kylo looked to Darrah to explain as he caught his breath and held his head in his hands. "He's still vomiting, Doctor…?"

"Malvern, Doctor Malvern," he replied.

"It's so bright," Kylo said softly, "even my own voice hurts my head."

The doctor nodded, "Did you vomit in your sleep?"

"How would I know?" Kylo said looking to Darrah.

"Not that I know of," she said thoughtfully," but he got up before me, so he started around 4:30 or so?"

Kylo nodded, "There is a constant buzzing, " he murmured.

Darrah, rubbed his harm, Kylo leaned into it amazed how comforting her touch could be, "Why would it worsen?"

The doctor stood thinking for a moment, "Perhaps some fluid has collected or your skull may have a fracture that we missed? We'll need to do another scan, but you're lucid, so that's an improvement."

Kylo waved sarcastically, "Scan away." 

The doctor stepped forward with the instrument and performed a series of scans and tests. "Sir," the doctor stammered, "there is fluid," he swallowed. "It may dissipate, in a few days, but the only way to relieve the pain and acute symptoms is to drain the fluid, manually."

Ren turned red then green as he threw up again, "No needles Malvern, you know that."

"Y-ye-yes sir, but I, there isn't another way, you're losing too much fluids, the vomiting won't stop and you'll become dehydrated."

"Ren," Darrah said softly squeezing his shoulder, "It's not ideal, but this will help."

"I don't know why you think your opinion counts?" Ren said harshly, he regretted it immediately but didn't show it.

Darrah removed her hand, "It matters because I made a promise to keep you safe. What could happen if he leaves the fluid?" 

"Well, it could dissipate in a few days, but it could also cause an infection, further swelling, permanent brain damage, there really isn't a good side to it." His voice sounded shaken.

"Could you sedate him, so he doesn't notice the needle Doctor?" 

"No" said Kylo and the doctor simultaneously. Kylo fell silent.

"I'm afraid," the doctor swallowed, "the risk would be too great, I have to be able to see how it's affecting you sir."

Kylo felt trapped, he knew he'd have to submit to the treatment but he couldn't let them do it again. He swore he'd never let them do it again, a sweat had broken out against his skin and he felt faint, he looked to Darrah. Silently pleading with her for some sort of direction.

She reached out, taking his hand and squeezing it, "It will be okay," his face stricken, she could see now that he was just a scared little boy on the inside. She squeezed gently, "I'll stay with you, through it all."

He nodded, tears threatened to prick his eyes, but he fought it. There were too many people around for his weakness to surface. He stood, head spinning and walked over to the table. He laid down on it face down. He knew exactly what the doctor would do. He looked Darrah straight in the eye through the mirror placed beneath the table, "Have you ever watched someone have their cerebral fluid drained?" He lifted his long hair exposing several circular scars. 

Darrah's stomach turned but she took his hand anyways, "No, I haven't," she said softly, “I didn't know," she began to apologize.

"You couldn't have known," he paused the doctor swabbed the back of his skull, he grimaced, knowing what came next. "Being a guinea pig to a mad doctor reveals the disgusting nature of man."

 

The doctor prepared the drill, and placed the tip at the base of Kylo's skull, "Penetrating in 3," Kylo squeezed his eye shut and gripped Darrah's hand painfully,"2," the drill whirred to life, its sound lost among Kylo's blood curdling scream. 

Darrah vomited after the procedure, Kylo sat head spinning but could feel some improvement already listening to the doctor explain how Darrah had saved his life numerous times over the last few hours. "Its the drill that's the worst," he said trying to soothe her, "it doesn't really hurt so much, as it vibrates the skull," he said.

"I didn't know, I wouldn't have tried to convince you," she had tears in her eyes.

"I'm fine" he said, slowly, " the doctor cauterized the wound, I'll be okay very soon." He stood, his balance seemed improved, the nausea had abated but he still felt dizzy.

He held out a hand to her, she took it, wiping her eyes with the other hand, "I'm sorry," she said, "I've seen some horrible things in my life, but that was terrible."

"You were right," he said, "the procedure had to be done, I feel better already," he really did, the buzzing had lowered to a standable level but the lights were still too bright. "You've saved me yet again, I have need of someone like you, " he paused, " I need a bodyguard and pilot, someone who will make sure I get back to the ship every time. Troopers are loyal, but none seemed concerned with my safety."

 

"As flattering as that is, Kylo, I have my business to get back to," she paused, "I have no desire to get into to the middle of this war. I don't have a side in it and if i took sides, it wouldn't be the First Order's," she could feel rage dripping off of him.

"You'd take the Resistance's side?" 

"I said I didn't take sides, but I'd probably join the Resistance if I felt like I had a dog in this fight, but I don't." 

He huffed angrily grabbing her arm, "They're going to tear this galaxy apart, only the First Order can bring about any semblance of order to the galaxy."

"Through an iron fist?? People will never lay down for it no matter how much force you exert."

"Through the leadership of Supreme Leader Snoke and his wisdom, he'll lead us to victory and the inevitable peace once we put down all of our enemies," he spat through gritted teeth, rage seemed to pour off of him in waves.

"You sound like a child Ren, I have to go," she started to walk away from him when he grabbed her again. "Let. Me. Go." She said angrily, his grip biting into her arm, "You're hurting me."

He released her, seeming to to collect himself, " I'm sorry," he paused not understanding why he cared, " I didn't mean to hurt you," he took a deep breath. “I'm sure you have your reasons," he nearly spit the words out, "but you wouldn't be working for The First Order, you'd be working directly for me."

"Directly for you?" She asked, her interest peaked, "I have my business to run."

"I'll pay you double what you bring in yearly," he said, he knew smugglers, he knew just how to press her. "I'll pay you double what you made last year legitimately."

Darrah's breath caught in her throat, she squinted at him, "Double, you wouldn't be able to afford it," she said smugly but bluffing.

"Fine, double and one quarter and I'll pay for the storage on your ship," he knew he had her, he could see her pulse quicken.

"You wouldn't just have me put my ship in deep storage?" She asked warily.

"And let The First Order crawl all over your ship during your time here? You'd want your ship stored with someone you trust." He squared his jaw and stared her down, " You'd assume we'd bug it or worse in the year you work for me."

"A year? Please, a two month term to start and we'd negotiate from there," she said not backing down matching his gaze.

"You're mad if you think I'm accepting anything less than a 6 month term at this price," he had her, he knew she couldn't turn this down.

"I'm not wearing a First Order uniform," She said, her eyes flashing.

"You're definitely wearing a uniform, same black, but no insignia, only pilot bars," he said forcefully.

" Six months?" She said cocking an eyebrow.

"Two probationary, if we decide it isn't working I'll pay you one third of the agreed upon wages. At six half, and if you stay one year I'll pay you double and one quarter of your last year's earnings." He narrowed his eyes, "You'll not get a better offer anywhere."

Angrily Darrah thrust out her hand, "You have yourself a deal Ren, " he placed his hand in hers and shook firmly. He hadn't shaken someone's hand in years.

He pulled her forward, "Ren or Kylo in private, Kylo Ren, Sir or Commander in front of everyone else."

"Then you'll refer to me as Captain in front of anyone else," she said angrily.

"And privately? We'll be spending a lot of time together," he said softly.

"Darrah," she said, "Darrah Mereel," the contact starting to become more than intimate.

"Corellian," he said.

"And?" She huffed.

Kylo almost smirked, "No, I just know a lot of Corellians."

"In The First Order?" She said in disbelief.

"No," he said softly, "in my family." He didn't know why he'd disclosed that information, he never spoke about his family. "Come," he said curtly, "we need to make preparations if we're going to be ready for your first mission." 

"What about storing my ship?" She said following behind him, "that has to be done."

"Of course, once you tell me where you want it stored we can take it there, but I must first oversee a mining dispute, we'll be taking my ship, are you rated for the Upsilon-Class command shuttle ?"

"Not yet, but give me 2 hours with a simulator, I can fly anything, if it handles like the Lambda class shuttles it will take less time. You don't have a long range ship?"

"You pilots are always the same" he almost chuckled, but fought to keep his face neutral,"it's a shuttle, our missions haven't required traveling separate from the Finalizer yet."

"Yet?" She tried not to sound excited.

"Later," he said, he knew if he revealed too much, it would be bad, more so if he disclosed more than he should to an outsider.

"Well," she said, "we could use my ship, especially if it's a covert mission."

"Perhaps," he said thoughtfully, "but your ship wouldn't work for official meetings and missions. We'll need something with a bit more class." He said not meaning offence, but he knew pilots and he knew smugglers. He knew exactly how his words landed. "I didn't mean it that way, I meant," he began, but he could already feel a rage rolling off of her.

"No, more class, I've got it." She started to stalk again but noticed he didn't keep up. She remembered his injury, "How's the head, are you still dizzy?"

"I'll be fine," he said, it amazed him she had anticipated his comfort and measured his limitation, "better than earlier, but I perhaps I need more rest."

She nodded, "Then we should get you back to your bed," she took his arm and slowed her pace to his, "who do I need to see to get a quarters or should I go back to my ship?"

"Ah yes, well once we're back at my quarters I'll put in a request for a quarters for you." He hadn't thought about that, about where she would sleep while she worked for him. The memory of waking up next to her comforted him in a way he was not ready to dissect. "We'll get you set up then I'll rest, you can't have gotten very much sleep your self."

"No I didn't, I think we only slept an hour or two before you woke up. Are you, do you need to stop to rest?" She asked his face had paled since they began.

The movement had brought back the nausea and the ringing, "I'll be okay once we make it back," she nodded, he felt her take on his weight again. "You're incredibly strong," he said panting. 

"Well, I work alone mostly, so I move my own cargo. You have to get strong quick if you want to make it." Her smile softened his resolve, "You can lean on me a little more if you need to."

"I should be fine, we're nearly there, " he said, a fine sheen of sweat had broken out, "Maybe we should stop for a moment." She nodded as he leaned against the wall panting, closing his eyes trying to center himself. 

"You're stubborn," she said, "must be the Corellian in you," he stiffened a little. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep," she said pulling out a handkerchief offering it to him.

"It's definitely the Corellian, and don't apologize unless it's warranted, " he accepted the handkerchief, "thank you," he wiped his face and neck. he felt like he needed to shower again and simultaneously sleep for a week. "I think I’m going to be sick."

Nodding she looked around, "I think I see a refresher," pulling his arm over her neck, "Come on," he walked but barely, "you can make it," he did but barely.

He threw up for a long time. Darrah rubbed his back and made soothing noises while she talked about swimming in the bluest lake she'd ever seen on a planet he hadn't heard of. She described the cool waters and the warm sand, how she found out that she's actually allergic to the bite of one the fish in the lake. It brought him peace and he sat on the floor resting his head against the metal wall. She gave him water in a paper cup and he sipped at it. He looked at her amazed. No one had cared for him like this since his mother as a child. He watched her describe something he'd lost track of and she smiled distractedly as if the memory were more real than her retelling of it. He started to stand but his legs wouldn't obey him.

"Here, " she said, hooking her arm under his lifting him to his feet, he swayed and she held him steady, "it's okay," she said, "close your eyes and count to ten," he did counting slowly and breathing. "Better?" 

"Yes," he leaned against her, trying to stand, "but I think you'd better stay with me a little longer," it pained him to depend upon someone, but that would be part large price he was going to pay her for: to care for him, protect him, and watch out for him. If she would do it as a stranger, he was sure as someone contracted she'd no doubt guard his very life. He could feel it strangely, the loyalty he'd done nothing to win. 

"Maybe we should go back to the medbay?" She asked softly.

"No," he said, "I don't think I can make it that far but you can send him a comm if you want once we get back to my quarters."

She nodded, "Come on, I’ll get you there," he barely walked, he kept his eyes closed. He didn't know how but he felt his bed soft underneath him. "Lay back and relax, " she said gently, she loosened his garments and unzipped the shirt. He wanted to ask how she knew how to undo his shirt but couldn't find the words. "Stay with me," she said, "I'm calling the doctor."

 

He closed his eyes but then cracked them when he heard other voices in his room. "The fluid and blood is still collecting, we're going to have to install a shunt, and a pressure gauge. He should also go in bacta, but we can try this first if he prefers," the doctor seemed tense and an EmDee droid hovered by his bed.

"No, I can't, " he said softly.

 

"I can give you some bacta then directly to the skull, it's going to hurt, then I'm going to sedate you so you can't move much," the doctor looked nervous. 

"Is it safe?" Darrah asked, 

"Not at all, " the doctor said, "but he's had success with it before." 

She nodded grimly, “How long will it take him to recover, he seemed to think he needed to get back to a mission. "

"At least two to three days, and since he won't stay in the medbay, someone will have to stay with him."

"It's okay, I’ll stay with him. I’ll watch him,” the doctor regarded her cautiously then gave her a long detailed list and it beeped on to the data pad on Kylo's desk. She looked it over and paled, "Kylo maybe you should stay in the med bay."

"Nnno , " he said weakly. 

 

She sighed, "There are very serious complications on this list Kylo," she took a breath.

"I know the complications," he said, "I can't stay there," the look of terror in his eyes frightened her. She didn't know what had been done to him but his earlier statements about a mad scientist made her blood run cold.

"Okay," She said, " I'll keep you safe."

He felt warmth, despite the cool temperature of the room, " Thank you," he said. 

The doctor injected the bacta and Darrah held his hand. As the doctor packed up Kylo motioned to her, whispering in her ear, she nodded, and she saw the doctor out. She shed her clothes and put the sleeping clothes she had borrowed the night before back on and climbed in behind him holding him.


	3. Bed Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is in full swing and things get a bit intimate.

 

She awoke the next morning to Kylo's head on her chest, she brushed his hair back from his forehead. Some of his color had returned, she traced his jaw, it felt cool, his fever had broken finally leaving his hair plastered to his skull. He murmured softly and his arm hugged around her tighter. She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, lifting it away from his head. He murmured again rubbing his face against her breasts. His eyes cracked open with a smile playing on his lips but then he stiffened and pulled back.

"Not too fast," she said, laying a hand on his back, "it's okay, we woke up like this. If you move too fast you'll be sick," she stroked his face again and helped him readjust beside her.

"I can't lay here all day, " he said wincing.

Darrah smirked , “I’m afraid you don’t have much of a choice, you’re on restricted movement per the doctor.”

Kylo frowned, “This is going to drive me mad,” he huffed, crossing his arms. “I feel fine.”

“Yes, but to continue feeling fine you have to let your skull heal, “ she said in a slightly sarcastic tone. “Your eyes aren’t dilated any more, did your light sensitivity go away?”

He looked around nodding, “I think it did,” his stomach grumbled, “I think I might be hungry.” He said a little sheepishly. His eyes lingered on her chest, “I’m sorry, I seemed to be all over you when we woke up.”

“It's okay,” she said, “I didn’t mind it, you looked peaceful.” She resisted the urge to brush the hair from his forehead again.  
  
He scoffed and said sulkily “I’m going to order breakfast, any requests?”

She stretched and thought for a few moments, “Something full of carbohydrates and protein,” she said her own stomach grumbling, “ and caf.”

He smirked, it almost troubled him how much she reminded him of his father, “Anything else, extra spice?”

“Mmm yes, as much as they think will kill me.” She smiled tucking a pillow under her head. “Since we’re stuck in bed, what holo-vids do you have? I love old spice world holos,” her hair stuck out in every direction framing her face.

“I’m not sure, I don’t normally have time to look through what's available,” he selected a sizable breakfast from the menu on the data pad. He switched to the holo collection and handed it to her.

“Ohh a war movie, how about Solo’s Deception?”

He stiffened, “NO, no, I don’t want to watch anything from the war, something light?” He maintained his breathing, the last thing he needed to watch is some holo of his father’s exploits as a young smuggler.

“Hmmm, well there’s some children’s movies, not really a wide selection, hmm Pride of the Empire? What's that?” She selected the description. “The rise and glory of Darth Vader?” She made a face and scrolled through the rest.

Kylo watched her intently, brows furrowed, selecting something to watch. He knew he hated bed rest, but if she kept him company he could get used to it. He didn’t know why her presence brought him comfort but it did, her touch seemed to dissipate his inner storm. When the intro music started he almost chuckled, he’d watched it hundreds of times as a child. She handed him the data pad back smiling.

“I used to love this when I felt bad,” she said stretching again, “the singing and dancing always cheered me up,” she said smiling then scooted closer to him. He found that he didn’t mind it. Extending his arm he offered it to her. She snuggled in close and he wrapped his arm around her as she laid her head back against his shoulder, his face hovering over hers. Feeling at peace he tucked a curl behind her ear.

“Do you need anything brought up from your ship?” He asked.

“Some of my clothes maybe own holovid collection if we’re confined here,” he nodded and handed the datapad back to her.

“Make a list and I’ll have a droid bring it all up,” she swiped her fingers back and forth and drew up a list of things.

“I’ll just have them bring up a few things. You don’t want your quarters cluttered with my stuff,” she said.

“Then just list what will make you comfortable. I’ll see that you’re compensated for your cargo.”

She cursed lowly in hutt, a string of profanity that made his ears turn pink, “I forgot about the cargo, listen, it has to be delivered within the next week. Once you’re better, I’ll deliver it and store my ship,” she cursed again.

“We can just purchase it from you,” he began but she shook her head.

“No this, has to be delivered, it will go-- it will be bad.” He started to ask but the doors to his quarters slid open and two droids brought in the large breakfast trays. They set them down on his desk and swiveled around leaving the room again.

She got up and brought the trays back setting the food between them, “This is a feast, “ she said excitedly sniffing everything . “Is this too much spice for you?” She asked pinching off a dumpling.

“No,” he almost said ‘my father was Corellian, I’ve had spicier than this’ but he stopped the words, “I’ve had much spicier and much greasier, “ he watched her eat, sampling a little of everything. After they finished she placed the trays on the floor and stretched out, feeling drowsy, she tucked her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her.

“I ate too much,” she said sighing.

“So did I, “ he said as he trailed his fingers down her arm. She looked up to him as if to say something when he kissed her. It shocked him more than it did her, he pulled back, unsure of what to do. She stretched up angling and capturing his mouth kissing him delicately, slowly simmering into a passionate kiss. He opened to her and she delved in exploring him inch by inch. She pulled back, he couldn’t breath, he gulped air as the spice burned his lips and tongue.

“Breathe, “ she said, but he kissed her again. Testing the waters he curled his fingers in her hair tugging her face closer. She turned straddling him. He gasped as her weight pressed against him. His hands rested on her neck stroking it gently. She bit her lower lip and it did something to him he couldn’t explain. Leaning forward she kissed him again as her hands trailed over his chest and the plains of his stomach. He moaned softly despite himself cheeks aflame. His hands slid down her shoulders his thumbs grazing the sides of her breasts and coming to rest on her hips. She rested her forehead against his closing her eyes. He closed his in turn feeling torn, they both knew he couldn’t go any further. Their heart rates were up and he was panting as a throbbing started worming it's way through his skull. She kissed him again gently then laid back down beside him, snuggling against his chest. Nodding he slid down cradling her to him kissing her forehead he closed his eyes. Her fingers intertwined with his and he fell into a deep and restful sleep, the first in years.

  
It was evening when he awoke, he stretched his arm out but found no one, for a terrifying moment he thought he dreamed it all but then he heard the water running in the refresher. He smiled relaxing back into the bed, he looked around the room, a leather bag sat on his chair, clothes spilling out and a few boxes were on various surfaces. Normally clutter and mess would put him on edge, but knowing that these were her things he smiled, his fingers itched to go through the things she considered essential.  
  
He slid out of bed, walking to his desk to peer into but not rifle through her things, a spicy citrus scent wafted through the refresher door way. Her scent, he hadn’t been able narrow down what it had been, but it was this: a warm spicy mix that smelled of a beach and warm air. He closed his eyes trying to remember the last time he’s been somewhere just for enjoyment.  
  
It had been years, a holiday with his parents, he pushed it back out of his mind, he didn’t want to let the sadness in. Closing his eyes he emptied himself of emotion, feeling more stable he looked in the box and saw a stack of holo disks. He smiled, he didn’t know what all she had brought up but it looked like an entire holo library. A picture frame caught his eye, a small girl with dark hair and two parents all three smiling, new republic insignia on their lapels. She’d grown up a ship brat he realized, living on freighters most of her life, both of her parents New Republic pilots. He didn’t hear the water turn off or the door open.  
  
“I see you found mom and dad,” she said with a sad smile, “they died shortly after that was taken, they flew covert missions every now and then, they just hit an unlucky one,” she said, “but,” she said letting the sadness roll off her shoulders, “they gave me my love for flying.”  
  
He wanted to crush her to him, “I’m sorry,” he said, sputtering for something comforting to say, he placed a hand on her shoulder and tried to give her a meaningful look. “I didn’t spend much time with my parents, they sent me away to an academy at a young age but they were both pretty involved with their own careers. It must have been nice to grow up so close to them.”

  
“It was, I have a lot of great memories.” He didn’t know what to do, he pulled her to him and hugged her tightly. He hoped he could express to her what he wanted to convey. His feelings had never been easy for him, the only ones he could really latch on to were anger and aggression. She hugged back lingering, she looked up, “Thank you,” she said. He gazed down towering over her, he leaned down and kissed her tenderly, sliding his arms around her. They parted lips not breathless but content, more than content, he felt something and it terrified him.  
  
She stroked his face, her thumb trailing along the scar crossing his cheek, she returned his kiss closing her eyes. Somewhere a warning bell went off in her mind, telling her she’d only just met him, she was in too deep. She was in for at least two months maybe longer if things went well. Breaking the kiss he lowered his forehead to hers, and they stayed that way for a few minutes both considering their path ahead and their ability to walk it. He caught a wisp of uncertainty from her mind but he hugged her closer.  
  
He had no reason to pull thoughts from her mind chiding himself internally. Stroking her hair gently he said , “If this is moving too fast,” he swallowed, “we can slow it down, I’m new,” he breathed deeply, “to all of this, I don’t even remember the last time I had a friend.” He looked pitiful and serious, his hazel eyes liquid.  
  
She placed a palm on his cheek and he leaned into it, “It's not moving too fast,” she pressed her lips against his savoring the feeling “but I do think we should take this slow.” It made sense his vulnerability, both physically and emotionally. He really didn’t know what he’s doing. “Just yesterday, you hated me,”he started to protest but she put a finger to his lips. “You’re injured and I’ve been kind to you,” she kissed his forehead, “you need time to process what this means to you. What I mean to you.”  
  
He kissed her, gently but it melded into heat,”Kylo,” she whispered against his lips, he kissed her again, deepening the kiss she moaned softly, his hands slid down cupping her bottom, her head swooned.  
  
“I only know,” he pulled her flush against him, “that I have peace when I’m with you, “ raising a hand to her cheek he cupped it smoothing the pad of his thumb across her cheekbone. “I know that I slept last night like I haven’t in years,” he pulled back and gazed in her eyes. “I feel safe in your arms and like I’m whole when I hold you.” He brushed his lips against hers speaking low and soft, “and that your kisses have stirred feelings in me that I thought I burned out of myself.” He brushed his thumb over her eyebrow tracing the arch, “That I don’t feel torn in two directions when I touch you, like hope may not be lost.” A tear escaped his eye, and he quickly brushed it away with the heel of his hand, his breath ragged for a second but he seemed to center himself.

  
She laid her head against his chest and pulled him close, she closed her eyes and summoned strength from within, “That means so much to me,”she said softly, she felt his chin come to rest on top of her head. The heat of his body soaking through the thin silky robe she wore. It had been a long time since she had let anyone close to her. She could feel something inside her bending, shifting, something sliding into place, she turned her face up to him, “I,” she began but he captured her lips in a kiss, gentle but firm, it was her undoing. She felt her carefully built walls crumbling. She felt him all around her surrounding her. Their earlier flirtations seemed watery and pale compared to this kiss, before she had kept a careful emotional distance, but with her walls down she felt it, she felt all of it.  
  
Feeling the shift in her he pressed her backwards against the wall moving on instinct. The thin layers of clothes suddenly felt sheer, he could feel the hard peaks of her nipples through the robe against his chest. He groaned feeling himself respond pressing himself against her thigh. Her soft moan brought his focus to her, his fingers itched to cup her soft full breast. Trailing his fingers up against the silky material and brushing the curve of her breast he brought the flat of his hand up between them cupping and lifting her breast. Her breath hitched and they locked eyes, breathing, she put her hand over his and squeezed. He responded squeezing first the whole breast then pinching just her nipple, the hard yet pliable flesh responding to his touch sending ripples to her core.  
  
He kissed her hard, her hands going under his shirt feeling his stomach and chest, exploring. She lifted his shirt and he raised his arms. She lifted and he pulled it the rest of the away off. She kissed his shoulder with a hard sucking kiss. His eyes screwed shut, panting as she nipped her way to his collar bone. Breathless he opened his eyes, she grinned, he looked down to the belt holding her robe closed, his fingers found the cord, pulling gently it unfurled and came undone, his hands raised to her neck stroking it gently, fingers sliding down to her shoulders under her robe brushing it off and it fell to delicate pool around her feet. Gazing down ward taking a step back he took in her form. Her hair wild around her head drying in ringlets brushing her shoulders making a stark contrast with her collar bones and muscular shoulders, her breasts curving and the sharp angle of her waist ending in the curve of her hip, a thatch of hair caught his gaze at the apex of her thighs, he thought about burying himself there and his cock twitched straining against his sleep pants. Dragging his gaze back upwards he found her lips swollen from his kisses and finally back to her eyes, her own trained on the v of his stomach, and the dark hair that disappeared below his pants. Her gaze found his.  
  
Slowly he untied his sleep pants, her hands coming forward, hooking her fingers into them and they fell downward he stepped out of them. She stepped forward skin pressing against skin his groan stifled by the kiss she took, hard sucking his tongue into her mouth. He leaned down grasping her bottom and lifted. She gasped in surprise as her feet came off the floor, she locked her legs around his waist and he turned, carrying her to the bed. They came down hard on it, giggling, swept up in their passion,he kissed her, mouth neck, breast, anywhere he could land a kiss he did. She reached between them grasping him, his focus snapped only to the sensation of her hand on his member, he whimpered softly.

Sense came to her at once, “Kylo, “ she said breathlessly, “can you? Are you able, with the injury I mean?” Her breath hard and irregular.  
  
She felt molton beneath him, “I think we’re past the point of no return he said,“ his head hadn’t hurt so far, he didn’t feel nauseous,”I think I can,” he smiled kissing her tenderly, he knew what would come next, what he should do, but he felt lost for a moment and fumbling.  
  
Kissing him back, gently nipping his lower lip she guided him to her center. He groaned caressed by her slick folds. “Just press forward,” she said against his lips, her own hips wanting to buck against him but controlling herself, “you’ll know what to do from there.”  
  
He nodded, pressing forward, slipping back and forth, meeting resistance but then he found it, he found the opening and pressed forward. Darrah’s gasp became deafening as he filled her. A low curse escaped his lips when hips pressed flush against her, he stayed for a moment, his head spinning with endorphins. She was right, he realized and began to thrust.

Darrah’s breath became ragged as he moved within her, her walls fluttering and squeezing him he knew he wouldn’t last long. He didn’t want to disappoint her but he couldn’t hold out. He began moving faster slapping sounds of his skin slapping against hers. Gasps turning into low moans, as his fingers dug into her hips. Suddenly he came with a strangled yell his hips bucked wildly against her as he fell forward. Breathing hard with his eyes screwed shut he focused on her fingers caressing his back. They laid like this until his heart slowed, his head throbbed but he didn’t say anything. He rolled to one side and drew her to his chest. Shifting against her every thing felt slick in their mingled sweat and all of his limbs felt heavier than he could ever remember. She smiled plying him with languid kisses. He fell asleep with her limbs wrapped around him feeling at peace with the world.  
  
He awoke much later, Darrah pressed against him, still sound asleep, he smiled pressing his face into her hair and inhaling deeply, letting her permeate everything. She murmured softly and turned in her sleep taking most of the blankets with her. Somehow this woman, through an act of kindness had taken over his world. He tried not to think of what would happen once he returned to duty leaving the shelter of the last few days. He thought about long range missions and days upon days of nothing but the two of them trapped together on a ship with not much to pass time and smiled. She rolled towards him her hand splaying across his chest. He covered it with his own hand. Her breasts pressing into his side, he could live like this he realized, he could deal with the path he chose if he had her, if he had this.

He wondered briefly, if this is what it is to love and be with someone and how his parents could have spent so much time apart, her upcoming trip to store her ship and deliver the cargo she had when she had gotten caught up in his life seemed like it would be an eternity. He’d have to be without her for seven days as she took care of her affairs so she could work for him. Even confused and concussed he had realized what she could be to him.

He grimaced thinking of what Hux would do if he knew about them or worse if Supreme Leader Snoke found out. He shook his head, they would deal with it as it came along, they would just act professionally outside of this room. He traced her jawline, she didn’t know him she had no reason to be so kind to him, defend him, try to protect him from the First Order. He wondered how long this would last until it all fell apart and his hope disappeared. She curled into him and he wrapped his arms around her quietly slipping back into sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, Kylo popped his cherry.


	4. Fear of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren has to say good bye to Darrah so she can settle her affairs and has to face the reality that he's going to be alone for several days.

After getting medical clearance Darrah and Kylo Ren headed down to deep storage to retrieve her ship. He found he wanted to hold her hand or touch her the whole way there but held back. Once at her ship she ran checks on equipment and made sure the cargo in the hold had remained intact. 

“It's all here,” she said relieved.

“I told you we could just purchase it from you,” he said standing behind her arms comfortably around her waist peering over her shoulder at the read out.

“I know you could, but my buyer has a need for these supplies,” she turned kissing him enjoying his touch. “Its just seven days, it will give us both time to take stock of where we are and what we want.” He smiled, he could go with her he thought entertaining the fantasy. He could leave his duties and live the smuggler life with her for a week, but he knew he had pressing responsibilities. 

He sighed, “So we’ll pick you up on on Takodona.”

She nodded, “Yes, and from there we’ll either meet up with the Finalizer or take off on a mission you’ve selected for us.” 

He nodded, “Take care of yourself,” he didn’t want to say good bye, he kissed her tenderly as her arms encircled his neck.

“Same to you, Kylo, I hope you can keep yourself out of trouble until I get back,” she smiled returning his kiss. 

He grinned, “Oh I think I can keep myself out of trouble, but-” he didn’t get to finish the thought.

 

“Well, well, well,” said Hux walking into the main room of Darrah’s ship, “I thought I’d come check on this, it seems someone cleared our prisoner for departure,” his smile wicked, “Kylo, I didn’t realize you’d taken such a liking to her.”

Kylo stepped in front of Darrah, “I’ve hired her to be my bodyguard and pilot, she’s settling her affairs then she’ll be returning.”

“I see that you have a shuttle scheduled to pick her up in seven days on Takodona , luckily that takes us near a mining operation we’re over seeing doesn’t it.”

Kylo’s eyes narrowed, Darrah could feel his anger rise,”What are you trying to say?”

“I just think it's odd she kidnapped you in the middle of a battle with the Resistance. This load takes her to a New Republic world, well former New Republic world,” he grinned, “but then she’s joining back up with us. She sounds like a spy and then I find you two, how do I say this, intimately entangled?” 

“I don’t work for the New Republic, I work for Kylo Ren,” she paused, adding “Sir.”

Hux’s eyes flashed, “I see, well I hope he’s getting his money’s worth,” Kylo took a step forward but Darrah’s hand caught him.

“Watch your self Hux,” Kylo’s voice shook. 

“Threaten me Ren, and we’ll see what the Supreme Leader has to say about this situation.”

Darrah felt Kylo deflate a little as Hux left the ship, he turned back to her searching her eyes, “Be safe” he said, kissing her again.

“I will,” her fingers tangling in his hair, “Try not to let him get to you.” She said as she returned his kiss.

Kylo frowned, “He excels at that.” She grinned and Kylo released her reluctantly and walked away, halfway to the gangway he looked over his shoulder and said, “I’ll miss you.”

She nodded, “I know, I’ll miss you too.” She saw a ghost of a smile pass over his face, and he stormed down the gangway joining Hux. Through her viewport she could see them exchanging words, both scowling.

 

**Kylo** 

 

Hux’s smugness rubbed all of Kylo’s senses raw, watching Darrah’s ship lift off and follow the flashing guide lights out of the deep storage area he felt wound up, as if the smallest thing would cause him to lash out. He thought about Darrah’s touch and it calmed him. “Let us hope Ren, that your affliction of sentimentality doesn’t prove to be our undoing,” he scoffed, “like your grandfather’s before you.”

White hot rage burned through Kylo Ren, “Darth Vader lead a life of service to the Empire, his loyalty was unquestionable, the Empire fell apart without the Emperor,” Kylo took a ragged breath, “it seems the fault would be more with the Empire’s ability to cope without its leader than any fault of Vader.” Kylo clenched his fists until the leather of his gloves creaked. Then without warning Kylo stormed off. 

“Mind the control panels Ren, they were just replaced,” smirking Hux called to the angry swirl of black retreating down the hall. A few moments later sounds of destruction rained from the hall as Ren took his frustration out on a bulkhead. “Some day,” Hux remarked to the stormtrooper, “He’s going to breach the hull and take care of everyone’s problems.” Hux turned and marched off in the opposite direction silently calculating how much his barb at Ren would cost to repair.

 

Kylo’s arms ached when he finally extinguished the lightsaber. Hilt hot and overheated he could feel it, something had melted internally. Sighing he realized he'd have to rewire it again. The vents cooled enough if he didn’t keep it ignited for long periods of time. Shaking his head belting the saber as he took stock of the molten and still smoldering panels in front of him. Feeling a small measure of shame he winced feeling a burn on his cheek he hadn’t noticed it until now. He sat down crossing his legs trying to meditate just as Luke had taught him long ago. To address each emotion until he had none left, so that he’d be an empty vessel. His intentions weren’t to call the force to guide him but to use it, to command it, but the force resisted as always. He sneered and refocused but Darrah crept back into his conscious mind. Sighing he opened his eyes, pushing thoughts of her away, her safety, the time he’d have to spend away from her and centered himself.

Finally he caught strands of the force, in the troopers and pilots on the same level of the ship drawing from it, building a web in his mind. He reached out to the storage containers around him bending the force to his will, a few of them shuddered and lifted mere inches then landed with loud thud. Stretching out his hand he focused on just one container lifting it, but not easily. Too soon it slammed back to the deck. Sweat stood out on his forehead, he tried again but it wouldn’t budge. Since his battle on starkiller base he couldn’t command the force like he once had. He couldn’t stop blaster bolts in the air. Something had broken inside him.

Since the walkway over the abyss he couldn’t command anything but weak attempts. He blew out a breath and tried to meditate again but the walls felt like they were closing in on him. he started shaking. Stretching out with his mind he only found metal walls and a ghost of a caress on his cheek. His eyes snapped open searching around him but he found himself alone. Shaken he struggled to stand his legs not obeying. 

Clambering to his feet he fled the lower levels. He tried to slow his pace making his strides sure and determined as he rushed back to his quarters. Once there he collapsed tears streaming down his face. He knew this would be a lost evening so he gave into it, he knew later the nightmares would come. 

Knowing for the first time in a few days that he’d be alone to deal with this... all by himself… Alone. The word seemed to hammer against the inside of his skull. He’d be alone when the nightmares came.

He’d been alone before, he’d always handled them alone, but now that he knew there could be another way he grimaced as fear set its claws under his ribcage. His eyes settled on the ruined mask of Darth Vader. He swung his feet around facing it, he didn’t have to be alone. Staring into the empty pits of the mask he began talking to it about his fears, about the changes his life had suddenly taken, if anyone understood it would be Darth Vader.

 

**Darrah***

A sudden sense of freedom coursed through her veins, it was rush she got every time she broke atmosphere. Leaving the Finalizer behind she set course for Yavin 4. They had dropped her just at the edge of the hyperspace lane, she watched them make the jump and placed her hand on the hyper-drive accelerator. As she pulled the handle back she watched the stars elongate across the transparisteel viewport as the ship shuddered making its own jump to hyperspace. Soon the tunnel of swirling muted blues surrounded her, 6 hours until she came out in normal space then another 4 hours at sublight to Makk’s and the first home cooked meal she’d had in a year.  
She smiled mentally making plans for what all she’d do once she got home. It had been quite a while since she’d seen Makk or Laeda, this contract she’d entered into with Kylo Ren would make them worry, something she tried to avoid especially now that Laeda’s health seemed to be waning. A heavy weight settled on her stomach, she’d already decided she’d give Makk any profits to be made from her current cargo. It would have to be reloaded to a clean ship after they scanned it for trackers. She hadn’t lied, not really, she didn’t work for the New Republic or The Resistance, she just took honest work when available. Taking food and medical supplies to a Resistance outpost qualified, but she didn’t want to bring any unneeded First Order attention their way.

 

Sighing loudly she walked around the ship, she’d miss it. She stroked the bulkheads, she’d put nearly every panel in place and rewired most of it her self. Giving this up for even a short time would be like removing a part of herself. The last few days had been, confusing to say the least. 

She’d gone from doing off the book runs for the Resistance to damn near joining the First Order, it all came down to the money any and all personal feelings aside. That kind of money could make a big difference. She could pay off some long standing debts, she might even be able to return to Corellia. She closed her eyes and thought of it, even pollution clogged she longed for home. She knew her old house may not even exist anymore but she’d like to see it again, the place she’d shared with her parents when they were planetside. She might even be able to pay off their remaining debt against the property and someday rebuild their home. Closing her eyes she could see it, a three bedroom bungalow on the outskirts of Coronet City with a pond in the backyard, her tree might even still be there, she’d put a new swing in it.  
She reclined back in her captain's chair feet up on the console, making plans mentally for what she could do with such an obscene amount of money. Grinning to herself, all she had to do is fly and keep Kylo Ren alive, so far hadn’t been that hard. Sharing his bed hadn’t been too bad either. It hadn’t been her objective but even if he had been fumbling at first he proved to be a quick study. She found that she missed his sulky presence and reluctant warmth. Someone had damaged him badly, a parent perhaps or a mentor, she tried not to think of the scars on the back of his head or the ones that roped his body. During his concussion he’d seemed so innocent and trusting, she’d never have gotten so close to him if he hadn’t needed so much protection. 

She found herself in dangerous territory, she liked him a lot more than she wanted to admit. She could look at this as a business deal all she wanted but she felt herself shift, she’d let him in he’d seen her rough edges and he hadn’t backed down, blowing out a breath she stalked off to her bedroom. She’d sleep for a couple hours then set course in normal space. Realizing she’d left her hololibary with Kylo she sighed, it was going to be a very long trip.

 

***Kylo***

 

“BEN!!!!!!”

 

He stopped mid stride on the cat walk and turned to face Han Solo. His face pale and eyes a ghostly blue, with a gaping hole burned into his chest. “Ben,” he wheezed falling to his knees. Kylo Ren rushed to him. “Ben,” he said in a whisper his skin felt cold.

“Dad,” Kylo said, tears forming in his eyes. 

Han’s hand caressed his cheek, icy, his nails blue, the smell of death curling around them, “Ben, I only wanted to bring you home.” 

“I know,” Kylo cried harder, holding on to his father.

“Why,” he whispered, his voice ragged.

“I..I.. had to,” he said quietly sobbing. Han jerked in his arms, “No, NO, NO!!” He shouted shaking Han but his body was limp and lifeless. He hugged his father’s body, “I thought it would make me stronger,” he sobbed, he felt small, he curled up next Han’s body and he was small, they were no longer on the cat walk above the abyss. They were on the Falcon, lights out, one single red flood light shown down on them.

The cabin smelled strongly of waste, he shook, it was freezing. It had become hard to breathe, his hand clutched at his father’s hand. His own small in Han’s rough large one. Weak, it had been at least 3 days since they had encountered the pirates, Han had been shot and they’d been left for dead in the disabled Falcon floating in the blackness of space. The lights had gone out one by one until only the red flood light remained. Ben had cried until he didn’t have any tears left in him. He shook, the ship made odd noises as it died slowly. Han’s breath had become ragged over the last few days. Tiny Ben had tried to wake him had screamed and even kicked at him but daddy wouldn’t wake up. He shook from cold and hunger, he heard a loud noise as the ship shuddered. He shut his eyes, he knew this would be it this would be when the ship fell apart. He hugged his father tightly but he didn’t respond, a large pair of hands grabbed him and ben screamed and kicked and fought, “DADDDY!!!” he screamed, “DAADDDY”

Kylo Ren sat up in bed panting a cold sweat on his skin, “Daddy,” he said softly, his face wet with tears, he shook, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them he cried softly.

His abdomen ached, his left side ached, he let go of his legs stretching out. The ache lessened the muscles still hadn’t healed on the left side. He laid back his hand rubbing the scar that the bowcaster bolt had left. He shivered, all his organs had been missed with that shot. Even in his rage and grief Chewie’s aim had been true. He meant to wound Kylo Ren grievously, but he hadn’t aimed to kill. Had he meant to kill him, Chewie would have. 

Kylo tried to breathe, but he couldn’t seem to fill his lungs, his breaths came in short bursts that hurt. He rolled over to one side gripping a pillow gasping for air, he cried but not in wracking sobs, tears leaked from his eyes, the shaking stopped and his breathing returned to normal. He felt cold all over as he sank down into the covers. He cried himself to sleep.

 

***Darrah****

“No, I mean to make a ton of money,” she said matter of factly as she pulled the cheese strings from her plate.

“It sounds like it's going to be more trouble than it’s worth darlin,” Makk said gruffly. “You’re gonna end up dead or worse, imprisoned. When the Resistance wins do you think they’re just gonna overlook this?”

She puzzled on this one, “There won’t be any ‘official’ records I ever worked for him, they won’t be able to prove it.” She said taking a sip of the ale “It's enough to pay off my debts and yours, I might even be able to pay off my parent’s land. You know what that means.”

Makk harrumphed, “You ain’t seen that miserable piece of scratch gravel since you were waist high,” he took a long pull off of his cigar, “You’d be better off starting over someplace new or hell moving back here with me and Laeda, she’d love to have you close.”

Darrah nodded, “How’s she doing?”

Makk sighed, “It's hard to say, the doctors still don’t know what's causing it, some days she’s better, some days she’s a lot worse.” He frowned, “I don’t know how much longer she’ll last.”

“Did the meds I found out on the rim help?” She asked hopefully.

“Not really, she was a little more energetic for a day or two but think that was more hopefulness than anything.”  
.  
Darrah nodded, “Do you think the Resistance will win?’ 

Makk left the question hanging, as he sopped up gravy from his plate, “We won with less.”

“I know you did Makk, but the Rebellion had you, dad, and mom flying for them, now? Who knows what they’ve got.”

“You could join up,” he said, “You’d make a hell of a fighter pilot, “ he grinned. “You learned from three of the best.”

“We can’t afford that Makk, we’ve barely kept up on payments--”

“Darlin’, you don’t owe us that, now before you protest, you did your part, you brought light into our lives, that's all we could ask of you.”

Darrah smiled, “Makk, you guys took me in, I owe you guys everything.” 

“You don’t owe us anything, except visits maybe a comm every now and then telling us what you’ve been up to.” She could tell there’s more, “You gotta follow your heart, if it ain’t fighting for freedom with the Resistance you gotta follow it, but following money? That’s what landed your dad and I in debt in the first place.” She nodded, “Now tell me about this load and why you can’t deliver it?”

“I think they had me followed,” she said softly. “To make sure I’d come back, they were going to arrest me, but he wouldn’t let them.” She took another bite the spice burning her tongue, “So I made it look like the delivery ended here on this planet. We need a clean ship to finish the delivery to Tilla outpost.” 

Makk’s mustaches twitched, “Hmmm well that’s going to eat into your profits”

She nodded, “Yeah but I want you to take them, Makk, I can’t get it all organized, and I don’t have the contacts that you do, get it to the Resistance and you keep the credits.” 

“Kiddo, I just don’t know what to say,” he looked teary, “I ain’t hit the sky in,” he tried to count but he pulled her in a hug. 

“You’re the one doing me the favor, really,” she said smiling returning the hug. 

“Favor? My ass, that will get us through the season, kid. You know, you’re dad would be so proud of you. Hell I'm proud,” he said.

“I’ll settle for that, you and Laeda are the only parents I have now, but really you’re the one helping me out. Last thing I want is my bad decisions causing any grief for the Resistance.”

Makk nodded, “When are you leaving?”

“Well I figured I’d stay with you guys a day or two, and then head to Takodona where the First Order shuttle is going to pick me up.”

Makk paused, “You know they bombed the shit out of Maz’s right?”

“What?” Darrah looked at him.

“Yeah, blew it to shit, heard Han and Chewie were there in the middle of it before Han passed.”

“I heard something about Han’s death,” she said softly, “I met him once at the Sabers.”

Makk smiled, “Yeah, you know he talked to me about getting you into the juniors,” he chuckled, “Laeda had a cow, threatened never to cook for him again.”

Darrah rolled her eyes,“I’m sorry he passed, Makk, I know you guys were buddies during the war,” She looked down at her ale and wondered if Kylo had been at the bombing of Maz’s cantina.


	5. Sometimes the Past has Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darrah rejoins the Finalizer and learns a bit about Kylo's dark past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, i'm sorry about that. This chapter is a bit longer than usual as a peace offering. Also i worked in a bit of Star Wars humor, the name Antilies is like Smith. They're everywhere. Space Smiths.

On Takodana Darrah waited for confirmation from the pick up shuttle. Nursing an ale she watched a podrace, just as she was getting into the spirit of it an impatient throat clearing sounded behind her. Turning, a security officer with no insignias stood before her, “Captain Mereel?”

 

“Yes? “ she answered aloofly.

“I’m here to escort you to the shuttle ma’am.” He looked stern and uncomfortable.

“I see, “ she downed the rest of her ale. “Lead the way officer.”

He nodded curtly and took off at a brisk pace, she picked up her pack and followed him to a non-descript ship. “Please buckle in ma’am, we expect to rejoin the Finalizer in 2 hours.” She nodded and settled in. She dozed off and awoke as they landed in the hangar bay. 

“Did we stay in sublight this whole way?” She asked yawning. The officer looked at her but didn’t answer. “I see,” she said again grumpily. She ached all over, she couldn’t wait to stretch out and sleep for a solid 8 hours. Walking down the gangway she looked around the hangar but didn’t see Kylo Ren, she scolded her self mentally for expecting a welcome party. 

Three stormtroopers met her, “Captain Mereel?” The lead stormtrooper asked.

“Yes? I’m sorry I don't know your call sign.” she said.

He shifted uneasily, “Tp-2409.”

“Ah yes, how can I help you?” she asked.

“You’re to report to General Hux immediately,” he said.

“I see, lead the way gentlemen?” She said sarcastically, TP-2409 nodded and she fell in step behind him, one stormtrooper took position beside her and one behind. When they reached the door the two other stormtroopers took up sentry positions at either side of the door and TP-2409 pressed the security panel and motioned for her step inside. Once inside he stood behind the chairs, General Hux put down a data pad and motioned for her to sit.

“Welcome back to the Finalizer Captain Mereel,” he said emphasizing the word captain sarcastically.

“Thank you,” she said curtly, “what do I owe this honor general?”

“Ah yes,” he said taking a sip of his drink and making a face, “as you may have noticed, Kylo Ren is not currently aboard the ship, no doubt he would have met you at the landing deck.” She nodded, “You are to report to Deck Chief Antillies and begin your rating process for our ships. Ren apparently believes you can and should fly any of the ships we have at hand as well as the new long range ship he will be bringing back with him.”

“Wouldn’t it have been simpler to send me orders on deck?” She asked mildly annoyed.

“Perhaps but officers,” he cleared his throat, “get their orders directly from a commanding officer. In Ren’s absence I am your commanding officer hence your orders, as it were, flow from me...”

“I see, sir,” she replied. 

“On your way you are to report to the requisition officer to pick up your uniforms with,” he paused reading the orders Ren had left for her, “Captain bars but no First Order insignia,” he frowned deeply brows furrowed. “Why exactly will there be no First Order insignia on your uniform?”

She smiled sweetly, “Because I work for Kylo Ren directly, not the First Order, sir.”

Hux’s apparently good mood left him, his face flushed a deep red, “Then why did I just grant you the rank of captain?” He said loudly. 

“I’m guessing because Kylo Ren told you to,” she knew it probably wouldn’t be wise to antagonize him but it was just too tempting, “sir.” She paused for a moment hoping to redirect, “I’m also supposed to have a quarters ready for when I returned, can I drop off my things before I report to the deck chief?”

His jaw clenched and unclenched, “If it were up to me I would throw you in a detention cell.” He looked through the list of orders on the data pad, one eyebrow cocked up, “I see no private quarters listed, you’ll take a bunk in the pilots barracks.” He said smugly, “Dismissed,” he said sharply.

“Thank you, sir,” she said emphasizing sir again. Raising she turned the office door slid open and she walked out followed by TP-2409. She turned to him after the door slid shut, “I’m not quite familiar with this ship yet, where would I find the requisitions officer.” 

 

“It's on deck four Ma’am,” he said, straightening.

“I’m not sure that you have to call me Ma’am,” she said smiling.

“We do Ma’am, you’ve been granted rank of Captain by Supreme Leader Snoke at the request of Kylo Ren.” One of the other stormtroopers reacted slightly, turning to the other but the trooper in charge shook his head tersely and the other two straightened their backs, “Ma’am,” they said in unison.

“Very well gentlemen, to the requisitions office please,” she said, TP-2409 nodded and marched forward the other two assuming the same formation as earlier. “Are you my security detail then?” 

“Yes, Ma’am,” he replied respectfully.

 

“I see well, what are your names soldiers?” She said to the troopers flanking her.

The trooper beside her hesitated, “FN-3181, Ma’am.”

“TP-2477 Ma’am,” he paused.

“And your names gentlemen?” she said smiling.

“Those are our names, Ma’am.” TP-2409 said uneasily.

“I see, do you have nicknames?” She asked curious as to why they would have numbers and not names.

“They call me Twitch, Ma’am,” Said TP-2477.

“Nice to meet you Twitch,” she said warmly.

“Thank you Ma’am,” he said clearly embarrassed she smiled.

“Either of you have nicknames you prefer to numbers?”

“Cake,” said TP-2409, as they came to the lift, he shifted his weight back and forth.

“And you, FN-3181?” She asked.

“No Ma’am, well... my other Corps mates called me 81 but,” he dropped his head slightly, “there aren’t many of us left.” She reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, thought better of it, but then rested it on his shoulder anyways. 

“I’m sorry you for your loss, do you prefer the whole call sign then?” She asked.

“You can call me 81, if you like,” he said his head raised slightly.

“Good to hear, 81, Cake, how did you get your name?” She asked laughing.

His shoulders seemed to hunch as they waited for the lift to reach deck 4, “I was always overweight during training, it just seemed to stick, but I don’t mind it,” he said. 

She bit her lip, “My dad called me chubbs as a little kid,” she said, smiling. He seemed to lighten a little.

“Deck 4,” he said.

“Just curious but how long are you going to be my security detail?” 

“We haven’t been given any details on that ma’am,” Cake said earnestly.

“What did you do to make the General distrust you?” 81 asked innocently. Cake shot him a glance through his helmet that she assumed must be bad, because 81 shrank back.

“Simply? He thinks I’m a spy for the New Republic, or what's left of it I suppose, the Resistance is his real worry.” They all shifted uncomfortably, “I’m not, it will just take a while for anyone to trust me. I am, well I was just an independent freighter who honestly sometimes smuggled if the money is right, but now I work for Kylo Ren.” They all looked from one to another. “But, don’t slack, make sure you report on my actions.” She smiled as they reached the requisitions office. 

 

“Through here Ma’am,” Cake said. 

“Thank you Cake,” She said grinning and walked through the door, 81 and Twitch took up sentry positions as before. Cake followed her in as she collected her uniforms. 

“Why do I need so many?” she asked confused. 

Clearly annoyed the requisitions officer answered her, “You have dress uniforms, every day blacks, blues, field greens, and casuals,” he said. Handing her the roll of clothes and several hangers full of various pieces of uniform. ”Seven days of undergarments, shirts, and black shoes and socks.” Cake took some of the load.

“Do you happen to know where my quarters are?” She asked the requisitions officer, he frowned and looked at his data pad, “Darrah Mareel, Captain, pilots barracks, bed 4876214, looks like,” he frowned, “orders were changed, looks like you were moved to a pilot's bunk,” he said scratching his chin.

 

“Big surprise,” she said sarcastically, “Well thank you for the gear,” she smiled and he waved to her absentmindedly as he turned back to his work.

“The pilots bunks are on this level so you can put it in your foot locker before you report to the deck chief,” Cake said. She nodded and he led the way to the pilots bunks.  
\----  
\----

“Yes Ma’am,” the Sub Lieutenant said, “I’m just surprised to see you down here Ma’am, don’t officers get their own quarters?” 

“Normally, yes I ’d wager, but I’ve made General Hux mad, so I’m in the pilots barracks,” She smiled sweetly. 

He nodded, “Welcome to the barracks Ma’am.”

“Thank you Lieutenant,” she said.

“Sub Lieutenant, “ he replied.

“Thank you Sub Lieutenant,” he nodded and returned to sorting through information.

“Over here Ma’am,” said 81, “I think this is your bunk.” They loaded everything into her foot locker while she went into the bathroom to change into her regulation black uniform.

“How do I look gentlemen?” She asked

“Like an officer Ma’am,” Twitch said. 

“Alright,” she said, “let's go to the deck.”

\-----  
\-----

For the next two days Darrah qualified on ten different ship classes. She and another pilot took out an Upsilon, then a Lambda Class cruiser, and then finally a TIE fighter. She only needed a few hours in each after qualifying on the sim.

 

WY-0794 the pilot assigned to supervise her shifted in the gunner seat behind her in the TIE fighter, “Ma’am, I believe you now when you said you can fly anything,” she said appraisingly. 

“Thank you, “ Darrah said genuinely touched, the pilot had relaxed significantly since they began their journey the day before. “You’ve made it easy on me.” They were both in the black vac suits, she knew they were safe even from a hull breach, but the suit made her claustrophobic. “Ever take a walk in this get up?”

“NO thank goodness, I’ve only been in combat a few times, even then it was against someone who stole a TIE fighter. “

“That had to have been an inside job,” Darrah said thoughtfully. 

“It was Ma’am, nothing like that’s ever happened before, a trooper, FN-2187, freed a prisoner, a Resistance fighter pilot and they escaped.” She sounded worried just talking about it.

“That must have been unnerving,” she said softly. 

“He betrayed his training and all we’re trying to achieve through the First Order’s rise to power.” She sounded sincere, this scared Darrah, no one had names and they all had a fanatical love and appreciation for their position and the First Order’s goal. 

“I'm sure no one else will defect,” she said trying to give the pilot hope.

“I hope so, almost all of FN corps have been killed due to his actions.”

Darrah paled, she remembered 81 saying that most of his corps mates had passed away. Lost in thought she heard WY-0794 say, “Affirmative commander, we’ll head back.”

“Back?” She asked. 

“Yes Ma’am, Kylo Ren’s ship is due to land and you’re presence is requested on deck for the greeting party. Darrah smiled in-spite of herself, she knew she’d have to conduct herself professionally when she saw him but it felt a lot longer than nine days since she had seen him.

Stormtroopers and pilots lined up in box formations, all standing at salute to welcome Kylo Ren back. When she had been brought aboard she had wondered why so many people were at hand now she understood, it was a sign of respect for Ren. She swallowed, she hadn’t realized how high up he had been in the organization. She waited, in her dress blacks to welcome him along with the others, she stood to the left and behind General Hux and various commanders. The gangway lowered and Kylo emerged, and he stalked menacingly down the deck peering from behind his metal mask.

He crossed to the group of commanding officers and they greeted him, he nodded and thanked them, his gaze zeroing in on Darrah. “Captain Mereel,” he said. 

“Commander Ren,” she said, the whole spectacle had left her breathless, she hadn’t heard his voice through the vocoder before, nor had she seen him in his full regalia. It made her blood run cold as the warning bells returned inside her mind. She hadn’t realized how dangerous the First Order really was. 

“Welcome back Kylo Ren,” she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking, his head tilted. 

“Please walk with me Captain,” he said. “We have much to discuss about our upcoming mission.” She nodded and fell in step leaving the throng behind. Her security detail followed them, when they reached the lift, Ren straightened. “What is this?” He asked looking from Darrah to TP-2409.

“They’re my security detail Sir, General Hux has assigned them to follow me since my return to the Finalizer.”

“You’re dismissed troopers,” his voice at a low growl, the troopers backed away slowly Cake looked to Darrah.

“You heard Kylo Ren, you’re dismissed gentlemen. I’m sure we’ll see each other around.” Twitch nodded as did 81 and spun around and marched back to the lines of storm troopers, Cake hesitated. “Yes, Ca- TP -2409?” She nodded to Kylo and stepped aside to Cake.

“Will you be okay alone Ma’am?” He seemed worried.

“I’ll be fine, Kylo Ren doesn’t scare me.” She smiled.

“I can ask to be assigned to you permanently, Ma’am,” she couldn’t be sure but it looked like he eyed and sized Kylo Ren up. He started to say something else but she laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Believe me I’m fine, he hired me as his pilot and body guard. I’ll be fine,” he nodded warily and walked away.

Once in the lift Kylo Ren inclined his head, “Did he actually offer to protect you from me?’ 

Darrah smiled, “Yes, you have quite the reputation around here as a brute.” He grunted as they exited the lift, she recognized the corridor. They were headed to his quarters, her stomach jumped. He looked around the empty corridor he grasped her hand and pulled her into his arms, scooping her up and carried her into his quarters. Once inside he slowly let her slide down until her feet hit the floor, he moved into kiss her but she giggled, “Your helmet?”

He pulled it off slowly and let it drop to the floor, he looked down at her hungrily as he pressed against her capturing her mouth in a searing kiss. She moaned softly, warning bells forgotten as he pressed her against the wall. “I missed you,” he whispered against her lips. 

Breathless she nipped his lower lip, “I missed you too.” He lowered his forehead to hers and she closed her eyes, her uncertainties melted away and she stroked his face. He grinned and kissed her nose then kissed her again lighting a fire low in her belly. His gloved hand came up to her face stroking it and removed her cap, her wild hair had been confined in braids wreathing her head. He swallowed, it reminded him of his mother. He stroked her braid. “Regulation, I’m told,” she said softly, he grinned.

“You look very fetching in your uniform, Captain.” He said capturing her hands and bringing them to rest above her head. She whimpered as he kissed her neck. 

“Ren,” she said softly, her eyes closed she melted into his touch, he pulled her forward, slowly backing up until he touched the edge of the bed. He sat down pulling her astride him. She kissed him deeply, pressing her body against his and wrapping her legs around him. “Next time I’m going with you.”

 

He smiled his hands coming to rest on her rear, squeezing earning him a gasp.”I’m never going anywhere without you again,” he said as his hands came up to unbutton her jacket. She shrugged out of it and he tossed it on the floor as she unbuttoned his cloak and then worked on the unending buckles that held his cloak together. They were both in underwear after a few frustrating moments and he brought his hand between them. 

“Oh,” she said sharply, her eyes snapping open, she pressed her hips against him grinding against his hand. He peeled the gloves off and slipped his hand inside her underwear teasing her she moaned softly and he reversed her position pinning her to the bed.

So far she had taken the lead and shown him the way, but now he took control and it made her squirm, “Oh,” she gasped again her breath becoming short. He peeled her bra off and pulled her underwear down and off. She laid bare beneath him. The thought of his face buried between her thighs made her moan involuntarily but he caught the wisp of it and moved down her body lavishing her body with hard sucking kisses, she moaned softly as he followed her silent commands. Before long she felt a scream rise in her throat but strangled it with a pillow. Somewhere in her mind she tried to think of how he knew exactly what she wanted but she lost the thought as he peeled off his own underwear and rose back up kissing her hard. She moaned into his mouth he took her harder than he had before and she loved it.

It surprised him how rough his touch had become but he wanted to devour her. He felt the pain in her mind as he gripped her hips hard while thrusting but she didn’t protest. In fact it seemed to drive her wild, she shuddered around him again as he drew her pleasure out, he knew it was cheating reading her like this but he couldn’t help himself.

After he found his own release again he collapsed while she shook as aftershocks rocked her body. Ren pulled her against his chest and held her there, whispering softly about how much he had missed her stroking sides tenderly. Finally when she stilled she kissed him lightly on his swollen lips. Until now he hadn’t felt all the bite marks she had left on him, they stung and few burned but he grinned. Feeling worn out and heavy all over he closed his eyes and fell asleep, completely content in their bubble.

\----  
\----

 

He felt the bed move slightly and opened his eyes, Darrah stood beside it pulling on her uniform pants, “Where are you going?” He asked yawning.

“To my bunk,” she said as she searched for her bra in the pile of rumpled clothes at the foot of the bed. Darrah slipped it on and fastened it before leaning over him to lay a kiss on his forehead, but he pulled her back into bed with him.

“Bunk?” he asked, his mind sleep addled.

She nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “Down in the pilots barracks,” he kissed her again softly. 

“You have a private quarters, just down the hall,” he looked confused.

“Hux put me down in the barracks,” she could feel his anger flash up.

“WHAT?” He said loudly. 

“It might be my fault, I think I antagonized him.” She said nuzzling into his neck, “but I think he had to have some sort of retribution for you and Supreme Leader Snoke approving a captain’s rank.”

He grumbled, “This is unbelievable,” he kissed her a little roughly and disentangled himself from her, he started to get out of bed but then stopped, “Did you say Supreme Leader Snoke approved your captain’s rank?” 

She nodded stretching, “I read through the information sent to me with the paperwork, recognizing me as a non member of ‘The First Order’. It gives me command rank privileges, in the event that I have to assume field command, it droned on and on, but it hinged on me passing an incredible amount of tactical written tests, a physical test I still have to pass administered by Captain Phasma, and an acceptable rating on almost every vehicle the First Order uses in combat situations.”

Ren looked stunned, “I... “ he frowned, “He must have told the Supreme Leader about me hiring you as a way to discredit me,” he smiled slyly, “but it must have backfired, The Supreme Leader must have thought it's a good idea to have someone loyal to me.” He grinned, he moved over her trapping her beneath himself. 

“Probably, think this was a temper tantrum?” she asked running a hand up his chest.

“Absolutely,” he grinned lowering himself down pinning her to the bed and stroking her face. “I’ll get it straightened out in the morning, “ he kissed her again.

“What about my uniforms?” She asked in between kisses,“Or the fact that I’ll be staying in your quarters, all night?”

“You’ve stayed here before,” he said against her lips raising slightly to unbutton her pants.

“But that was for medical reasons,” she said smiling, “besides, I thought we had to be careful who found out about us?”

He paused, nodding, “Stay,” he said softly, his eyes looking vulnerable. “I’ll have a droid bring your things up.” He kissed her, sliding her pants down over her hips. He stopped, there were fingertip shaped bruises peppering her hips some darker than others, one already purple, he frowned. “I’m sorry” he said, kissing one gently.

“Hey now, I don’t break easily” she said stroking his face, “you only gave as good as you got,” she motioned to his shoulder where a deep magenta bite showed darkly against his pale skin, “we just got carried away, you should see the scratches on your back.” 

Guilt still ran through him, he had lost himself for a bit, he remembered sensing her pain, he laid his head on her stomach, closing his eyes, as she brushed her fingers through his hair. He sighed loudly, he almost fell asleep for a moment but then he shifted to his elbow looking up at her, “Will you stay?”

Her stomach clenched and her breath became short, “I’ll stay,” she said softly. Ren climbed up to kiss her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, she sank in contentedly. He kissed the back of her neck and her shoulder, when he heard his com going off, he cursed slipping out of bed and crossing to the com link. 

“Kylo Ren here,” he said tersely, as he pulled on his pants, she made a face at him and he tried not to smile furrowing his brow. 

“Ren, you’re pet pilot hasn’t checked in for the night, per the Sub Lieutenant's records. Care to explain?” Hux’s voice carried its annoyance.

“I believe she has been given a private quarters Hux. Why would she check in anywhere?” He said sharply, “I had all of her things taken to it before I left,” he said angrily.

“I see,” Hux said, “It doesn’t seem that her security clearance has been used to open that particular quarters, where is she Ren?”

“She’s here Hux,” his back and ear tips had flushed red, “I’ve been briefing her on our upcoming mission,” he spat out trying to contain the anger in his voice.

“I see, well her security detail states they were dismissed by you, I only have your word to go on that she’s with you,” Hux said.

Ren motioned to her and she crossed the room, “I’m here General Hux,” she said flatly.

“Captain Mereel, you are to report to Sub Lieutenant Antillies to sign in for the night. All pilots who are bunked in the Pilots Barracks are required to do so at 20:00 each evening, you failed to do so,” he sneered.

“Captain Mereel will be staying in her private quarters tonight,” Ren said angrily.

“She has no clearance code for the door,” Hux said matter of factly.

“Then she’ll obtain one from the requisitions officer.” Kylo growled, “I don’t appreciate my order being altered in an attempt to inconvenience my pilot.” 

“Oh Ren,” he sneered, “It's not about inconveniencing anyone, it's about following procedure. You of all people should understand the importance of that.” Darrah could hear the smile in Hux’s voice. 

“General Hux,” Darrah started but she was cut off when Ren ignited a light saber with a ragged red blade and screamed then started slashing the communications unit. She stepped back quickly as he reduced it to a smoldering ruin. Breathing heavily he stood there blade buzzing and crackling. “Ren,” Darrah ventured, “put it away,” he turned to her the rage still in his eyes.

He stalked over to her blade still ignited, “He blatantly changed my orders, he’s doing everything he can to make me angry.”

“I can see that it's working, breathe Ren,” she said softly, she touched his cheek. He took a deep breath, lowering the tip of his saber, it brushed against the floor, cutting a gash into it. He extinguished the blade and opened his eyes. The rage seemed to retreat back into him, as he calmed down.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that,” he said coolly, his tone belying the rage that still had him within. He stretched out his hand to her, she took it timidly, she was taken aback but he could tell that she didn’t fear him. He felt relief, but he could feel the wheels of her mind start turning, he pulled her against himself embracing her. “Ask whatever it is you’re thinking.”

“Why do you have a lightsaber?” She asked softly.

“You didn’t notice it before?” He replied.

“I did, I, I don’t’ know I didn’t think about it,” her gaze landed on Vader’s helmet, “Why do you have the burned out helmet?”

“Its a collectors item,” he said, not wanting to expand upon it.

“Are you a collector?” she asked.

“In a way.” he said flatly, he knew he should have put it away.

“Are... are you a jedi?” she felt him stiffen.

“No,” he said softly, keeping his voice even.

“Are you a, what were they called, sith?” She asked closing her eyes in preparation for the answer.

“I’m something else,” she nodded at his words, he could feel the worry creep into her, “I use the dark and the light side of the force.”

“I didn’t know you could do both,” she said softly.

“Do you know a lot about Jedi?” He asked equal parts curiosity and sarcasm.

“Only a little, “she paused, “I met Luke Skywalker once,” she said feeling him stiffen again, his arms around her ridged.

“You did?” He said, his voice strained.

She nodded, “He knew my parents, in the war, he came to ask them to let me come to his school. He wasn’t sure but he thought I might be force sensitive, because of my ability to pilot at a young age and my reflexes.” She swallowed, “I did a little digging, finding what I could left about jedi.”

His stomach sank, she could have been at the school, he squeezed her tighter, “You didn’t want to go?” He asked determined not to let this revelation make him break down.

“I did, but my parents didn’t want to send me away. Did you go there?” She asked.

He nodded, “I did for a while, but I left, I couldn’t, I couldn’t be what they wanted me to be,” he felt the pinpricks of tears forming, 

She brushed his cheek, “There’s no shame in that,” she said softly, she kissed him tenderly.

He couldn’t stop himself, “There’s more shame in what I did, not in that I didn’t fit in.” He could feel it with her the pull to the light. He knew eventually she’d be taken from him, he just didn’t know if he could do what would be asked of him.

“What did you do?” She asked, almost too afraid to hear the answer, her brow furrowed, he buried his face in her hair. 

He shook his head, “I, killed everyone, I killed everyone I trained with, everyone... all but Luke Skywalker.” He could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks.

Shock set into her, “Why?” She asked.

It wasn’t accusing he realized, she stoked his head as he sank to the floor, she sank with him cradling him, her fingers grazed against his scalp as he sobbed, “Because I was commanded to,” he raised his face, she had her own set of tears to match his.

“Snoke?” She asked softly and he nodded, she kissed the top of his head. It made sense the warning bells, the cult mentality. She realized she had walked into something horrible, and she couldn’t leave, she couldn’t leave any of them to this fate. “It's not your fault,” she pulled the blanket from the bed wrapping it around him. After he stilled, she kissed his cheek, “Come on let's get you back into bed.” She helped him up, he let her lead him to the bed, she tucked him in and climbed in beside him, holding him, he turned to her, his face resting on her chest he cried as she stroked his shoulder and back. 

 

Later that night she was awakened by his screams, it jolted her out of sleep, she shook him finally awakening him. He kept shouting, “NO! NO, noo, no, no,” amid sobs he clutched her, “I won't do it, “ he kept whispering. Darrah felt her stomach sink low, she felt fear, she felt panic, she held him, she didn’t know if it was his panic or her own. “I won’t, I promise you,” he looked frantic. He kissed her forehead. “He can’t make me, I won’t do it this time.” He slipped back to sleep later but Darrah laid awake. All of the revelations of the evening were a lot to take in. He slept fitfully but she couldn’t find sleep. She slipped out of bed and walked to the com unit, staring at the ruins. She realized this is why his room stayed bare, his fits of rage wouldn’t allow him to keep anything.

Her gaze shifted, oddly, to the ruined helmet. Something about it looked familiar but she couldn’t make the connection to why. She should run, she knew this, this was too much, too fast, too dangerous. If they looked into her records it would lead them to Makk and Laeda, it would lead them to a lot of people, if she ran she’d put them all in danger too. 

She sighed. She had no idea what he had dreamed of but the terror in his eyes when he woke up scared her. She checked the chronometer and sighed, she still had hours until her combat assessment with Phasma. She picked up Ren’s data pad and looked through the listings the First Order offered, she switched on the view screen and watched propaganda videos until Ren awoke.

“Where are you,” he asked quietly.

“Down here she said,” she sat on the cool tile trying to sort through her thoughts.

He slid off the bed to join her crossing his legs, “I’m sorry, about all of it,” he said softly. She reached out to cup his face and he leaned into her hand.

“Do the rage fits happen often?” She asked he frowned a little. “No, I’m not judging, I’m assessing.”

He closed his eyes and laid down with his head in her lap, “Not as often as they were,” he pulled her hand down brushing his lips against her knuckles. 

She nodded, “Have you ever thought about leaving?”

She could almost feel his fear spike, “I have left before, but they brought me back.” He pulled her hand down to his abdomen, just above still healing scar tissue she could feel a bump beneath the skin, “that’s when they gave me this.” She nodded, he looked up at her, “You can leave, if you feel you need to,” she could see his eyes water, but he fought it. “If it's too m-mu-much,” he stuttered.

“I think I’m in too deep for that now,” she said softly. He could feel her anger, but he could tell it was not directed at him. “Can you read me? My thoughts I mean?” She asked. 

He nodded,”Strong feelings, some thoughts, any images you broadcast loudly. It's just stuff that I pick up I don’t really try to read from you or anyone unless I have to.” 

“What about if you try hard?” She asked, his grip tightened on her fingers.

“If I try, I can see everything, memories, thoughts, fears...” he trailed off.

“Do you think you could teach me, not to read minds, but increase my reaction times, abilities?” He sat up stunned, “I mean, if I have any ability, like I said he only suspected,”she paused, “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked, ” she stopped his face had become very serious.

“You would let me teach you?” his breath quickened.

She nodded, “Only if you wanted to.”

He looked down, the responsibility, the intensity of focus, could she have this potential? Perhaps the force had brought them together. “Why were you on that planet?” 

Taken aback, she shrugged, “I needed a drink.” It was the truth, she couldn’t explain why she had time to burn, she had a week still to make her delivery, so she stopped for a drink drawn to Christophsis for no reason.

“Any strong feelings? Feelings that led you there?” He held his breath waiting for her answer.

“Maybe, I did feel drawn, like I had been out in space too long, I needed to see people, I needed to make contact with them,” he nodded. It didn’t confirm his suspicions but it didn’t negate them.

“I think maybe,” he touched her face, “ maybe we were supposed to meet, maybe the force brought us together.” He tried not to think about what would have happened had she attended the academy. Would he have left? Would he be a jedi now, he tried to shake the thoughts out of his head, but the next one came, would he have killed her? “I’ll train you.” He said softly, “I’ll teach you what I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love the stormtroopers especially Cake.
> 
> A big thank you to  Jay2Noir  I swear you're my only fan and i love your comments!
> 
> Huge thank you to my beta  SeriouslySatan  for getting my grammar some what presentable and dealing with my endless questions about whether or not something works.
> 
> I now have a tumblr  Trashfan2003  so hit me up if you want to chat, have questions or suggestions or even criticism but also if you just want to share an HC with me i love hearing them.


	6. The truth in pain killers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darrahh's combat assessment goes better than expected and she gets a more realistic view of the memebers of the first order.

**** Darrah ****

Phasma threw a punch which Darrah sidestepped easily. She countered and nearly landed a punch on Phasma’s jaw. Phasma’s eyes narrowed, they’d been circling each other throwing punches that hadn’t connected for almost a minute. Finished sizing Darrah up, Phasma threw a punch in earnest and it connected hard with Darrah’s jaw.

Recovering Darrah stepped sideways trying not to let the ringing in her ears phase her, she faked a punch left and bought her right knee up into Phasma’s stomach. She made an umph noise and head butted Darrah. Hearing a crunch Darrah scrunched her face wiping the trickle of blood from her nose. She shook her head and swung hard, haymaker connecting with the side of Phasma’s head.

Phasma looked dazed but shook it off, punching Darah in the chest below her breast bone and brought her knee up to her face. Darrah went down hard but swung her legs around and knocked Phasma down. 

Darrah jumped up, Phasma sat for a moment looking up at her, Darrah shrugged and offered Phasma a hand up. Phasma took the hand but before she knew it Phasma pulled her down and used her feet to send Darrah flying over her shoulder. The landing knocked out all of Darrah’s air. She rolled to her side forcing a breath in. Phasma stood squinting down at her, but then offered her own hand, Darrah took it warily. 

 

“Adequate, “ She said toweling off the sweat, she tossed Darrah a cold pack and she placed it against her jaw. “When you return from your mission, report to me for weapons training, you’re very proficient with a blaster, how are you with pikes?” 

“Thank you,” she said wiping blood away with the back of her fist, “I don’t think I’ve ever used a pike.” 

Phasma nodded, “Then you’ll start the beginner’s course, we’ll see what some real weapons training will do for you.”

Darrah bowed, “I can’t wait,” she said. 

“Report to medbay, your eye and nose need immediate attention.” Darrah nodded and spun on her heel marching quickly to medbay as the security detail trailed behind her.

“I can’t believe you knocked Phasma down,” Twitch said once they were safely away.

“I’ve never heard her give an adequate rating to anyone, all she ever says to me is ‘less miserable than last time,’” 81 said wistfully.

Cake shook his head, “Phasma really wailed on you. You can take a beating,” he sounded appreciative.

“Thanks guys,” everything stung, she knew it must be swelling, “Phasma has one hell of a left hook,” they all chuckled.

“Man she’s going to make you pay for that forever,” 81 clapped her on the back hard and Darrah laughed with them.

 

“Darrah, “ Dr Malvern said, “It's nice to see you, without your usual companion,” he eyed her face, “come with me, I’ll have you sorted in a few moments.” She nodded, 81 and Twitch took up sentry positions as usual and Cake followed her back through the medbay to the bed Malvern motioned to, he eyed her escort. “Ms Mareel, why do you have stormtroopers in tow?”

 

“Courtesy of General Hux,” She said. 

“Also, she’s Captain Mereel now,” Cake said.

The doctor’s eyebrows raised, “Really? Congratulations,” he said, “Now hold still I need to scan you,” Darrah held still. “Hold your breath,” he said as he scanned her head, “Well, there’s no fracture of the skull, you have two breaks in your nose. What exactly were you doing, ah, Captain? This wasn’t caused by K-” he started.

“No, it was a combat assessment, administered by Captain Phasma.” She said quickly cutting him off, she saw Cake’s helmet incline.

“Captain Phasma, well then you need to lay back, she has a penchant for abdominal blows.” He began to scan her abdomen and frowned at his data pad. “Deep breath,” he said. She took a deep breath, “hold please,” he said focusing the scanner, “now release,” he said. As the air came out she winced. “I thought so, “ he moved the scanner back up to her breast bone and and then down her thorax. “Your breast bone is bruised and you have mild internal bleeding.” He lifted her shirt but then paused, “Cake? Was it? Can you please step over there and pull the curtain.” Cake nodded pulling the privacy curtain around Darrah and the doctor. Malvern pulled up her shirt, “Actually if you can sit up a little it needs to come off, undergarment too.” Darrah nodded and pulled off her shirt gasping sharply as her arms raised, Dr Malvern helped her with the bra, then eased her back down, “That bad?” he asked softly. 

“It's not pleasant,” she said.

Malvern chuckled, “Either Ren is rubbing off on you or -” a loud crash sounded from the front of the medbay and Kylo Ren rounded the corner in full menace mode.

“Captain Mereel,” he said, vocoder disguising the worry in his voice, “Doctor Malvern, how is the patient,” he leaned forward peering intently in the doctor’s direction, Malvern took a few steps back, 

“I.. I’m still doing diagnostics, if you’d like to take a seat,” the doctor stuttered.

“That won’t be necessary,” he said staking a firm position beside Darrah. “Proceed with your tests.” Ren rested a hand on her bare shoulder. The doctor swallowed, his eyes shot to Darrah who nodded, “Are you subverting my orders?” He asked, his voice louder through the mask.

“No, no, no Sir, just the patient, I wanted to make sure she’s... right away Sir,” the doctor looked back at her bare abdomen and chest the large red spot forming under her skin on the breast bone, if he noticed any of the hickeys Ren had left he had the better sense not to mention them. Placing his hand over the breastbone be said, “You’re going to feel pressure. Please breathe in as deep as you can,” Darrah took a deep breath and the doctor pressed hard and there was a loud crack, Darrah hissed loudly eyes screwing shut. Ren looked torn, Darrah slipped her hand into Ren’s.

“I’m okay Ren,” she said softly, he squeezed her hand gently and she nodded to the doctor. He ran the scan again and nodded.

“The breast bone was, out of alignment but not broken, you’ll be bruised and sore for a few days but okay.” Darrah nodded, “Your nose however needs to be set.” Darrah nodded

“Just get it over with she said,” the doctor nodded.

“Please sit up,” he said. Darrah sat up, Kylo’s hand came to her back, “1..” the doctor said, his face looking pale, Kylo sublimated anger through his skin, “2” the doctor cracked her nose in place with a quick jerk, Darrah hissed as blood gushed out. Malvern placed gauze under it and pulled out a can of bacta spray coating a large swab with it. “This is going to be uncomfortable,” he said apologetically, but Darrah nodded. 

He swabbed her nose and taped some bandaging under it. “Okay, that should be it, if the bruising on your abdomen grows rapidly come back or call me immediately,” He seemed to think better of it and began binding her ribs tightly under her breasts,” and I do mean immediately, it should turn black and green over the next day or two, but if it becomes a dark red rapidly, there could be more damage.” he paused. “You don’t seem to have a concussion or any other head injury. You’ll definitely have a black eye but you’ll be excused from today and tomorrow’s duties.”

“I have a mission in two days,” Darrah said softly, “will I be ready?”

“How physically intense is this mission? “ The doctor asked.

Ren turned his gaze on the doctor, “It's just security, walking and perhaps light fighting, but she shouldn’t have to engage.” 

The doctor nodded, “Make sure she isn’t the one engaging in the fighting, or,” he turned to Darrah, “use your blaster.” She nodded and started to pull on her shirt but hissed. Ren grabbed the shirt and eased it over her head gently and moved her arms into it.

“Oh my bra,” the doctor handed it to her and she stuffed it in her pocket she moved to get up but Ren scooped her up.

“She should be supervised? “ He asked.

The doctor nodded, “I’ll add it to her file,” he said looking green.

“See that you do,” he said forcefully and stormed out the enclosure passing Cake who sputtered to catch up reaching the door as Kylo turned to the troopers, “You’re dismissed.” It sounded scathing and the troopers saluted then scattered.

Once in the lift he said, “I’ll speak with Phasma, this was unnecessary,” Darrah though she heard a break in his voice but the mask made it hard to tell.

“I don’t know, I think she had to assert dominance,”she said as she nestled into his neck, “I knocked her down and busted her lip. She had to show her troopers who’s in charge,” he inclined his helmet towards her.

“You knocked her down?” She nodded, “Impressive,” he said practically purring, she thought she could feel him smile. Exiting the lift he crossed the corridor quickly and wordlessly opened the door using the force, gently placing her on the edge of the bed he released the latch on his mask and removed it. He went down on one knee and inspected her face, softly touching the bruise on her jaw and eye. “I can’t believe you knocked her down.” He smiled and kissed her forehead gently. The door beeped, he scowled and answered it coming back with two bottles of pills, “Pain killer and anti-inflammatory,” he said, he walked into the refresher and came back with a glass of water as he read the instructions.

“You don’t have to take care of me,” she said softly.

“You took care of me,” he frowned looking almost wounded. “Drink it. Take these.” She took the pills and sipped the water, “ Lay down,” he said, she did wincing, he slipped in beside, holding her.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly feeling the pain killer beginning to kick in, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Don’t apologize when it isn’t warranted,” he said gruffly. She turned gasping sharply as she faced him, her eyes scrunched in pain, “Darrah,” he said warningly his eyes wide.

“I’m okay,” she said breathing shallowly, her head swooned a little, “Phasma sure can throw a punch,” Kylo looked lost his hands starting to raise but he didn’t know where to touch or soothe, “it’s fine,” she said, “I think the pills are starting to really kick in though,” she touched his forehead, “you look so pretty,” she said smiling, her eyes glassing over a little.

Kylo blushed lightly, “I’m absolutely sure no one has ever called me pretty.”

“Mmmm, you are, you’ve got those fine features, dark beautiful eyes, and those full kisserable lips,” she grinned a little.

“Kisserable?” He smirked.

“It's a word,” she slurred a little, “these things are strong,” she scrunched her nose, “don’t give me anymore when they wear off.”

“I don’t know I’m rather enjoying you with your guard down,” a rare smile cracked his face as he tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear.

“You know, you were scary when you got off that ship?” She said her eyes widening, “I almost tucked tail and ran,” she grinned, “but then I remembered this face is under all that menace and I couldn’t.” She kissed the tip of his nose, “Oomph, I stretched too far. Mmmmm.” She sighed contentedly, “Hold me,” he complied gently wrapping his arms around her as she nestled into his chest. “Makk doesn’t think I should trust you, but I do,” she said softly, “you’d hate him and he’d really hate you,” she almost giggled. Kylo stroked her hair. 

“So you’ve fallen for a pretty face?” She nodded.

“Literally, I fell over you,”she giggled. He looked confused, “When I found you, I tripped over you. You looked so confused. I couldn't just leave you there, neither side would believe you were just an innocent bystander,” he stroked her back, “ooo that feels so good,” she said softly.

“I think,” he closed his eyes, “I think almost remember that, I know you took my hand and I felt safe. So I followed you.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you,” she said softly, trying to wiggle up but wincing, he slid down to face her, “mmm, “she smiled and kissed him gently, “even if you are scruffy.” He stiffened a little, the word always stirred emotions. “Oh, no, don’t froown,” she said, she kissed the tip of his nose again, “I won’t call you scruffy again.” She clumsily patted his hair making him grin again, “I think I can feel you.” She said suddenly thoughtful, she closed her eyes, “I can feel your heartbeat and your thoughts,” he was a storm on the inside, “how do you keep all that in?” She touched him and he flinched, he was terrified, “Oh,” she saw her, a woman with Kylo’s eyes calling him scruffy and ruffling his hair, she knew her, she just couldn’t place the face.

Kylo released her and jumped out of the bed, “How did you do that?” His heart raced. “HOW!” He shouted. He could feel the pain starting in his abdomen, he couldn’t breathe.

“Oh, n-n-no I’m sorry,” she tried to raise up but couldn’t, she wiggled down grunting until she slid off the bed, “Kylo, I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t,” she looked down her knees drawing up, “I’ve never had anything like that happen,” she sniffled.

“You can do that with no training?” His heartbeat had started slowing. He hadn’t even felt her slip in his mind. Everyone always felt it when he entered theirs, he felt it when the scavenger had forced her way into his mind. “I didn’t feel you,” she nodded.

“I didn’t realize I did it until it was too late,” he squatted down next to her, touching her face.

“Does touch increase it?” She nodded again, “Can you feel me now?” She shook her head.

“I got scared,” he nodded helping her up and leading her back to bed, “she’s pretty,” she said softly hiccuping, “I see where you get it.” 

He froze again, “She is beautiful, just misguided.” Darrah saw his eyes cloud, he shrank back letting her settle in. “I need to attend to some things.” He said almost angrily. He scooped up the helmet fluidly and put it back on he called his light saber, no longer guarding his actions from her and stormed out.

Darrah settled back down and tried to settle her mind she could feel the pull of sleep coming, the storm inside Kylo scared her, she had let him in that first time they had made love she’d felt him felt his feelings but not this strong. She knew that when she got close to people she could feel too much of them, she just hadn’t realized that it was the force. Before long she had fallen into a deep sleep the drugs making her dream vividly.

***Kylo***

He made it two or three hallways away before the scream erupted from him and he started slashing everything in sight and howling. How could she do these things? Why could everyone effortlessly do something he struggled for. Jealousy. He knew it well, it had helped throw him over the edge. Betrayal. His mother: her betrayal, her refusal to let him in. He had grown up not knowing who or what he really was.

They had fed him the lies his whole life and watched him, waited for him to slip up. He burned everything he could until he fell sliding down to the floor weeping, curling on his side. Death. He didn’t like it, he didn’t take joy hurting others but it was thrust upon him so often in his journey it had become second nature. He shuddered. The scavenger had meant to kill him, the stormtrooper had meant to kill him, the wookie had meant to harm him, his hand idly brushed over the scar he carried, but not kill. 

He owed Han a life debt. With Han dead did it mean Kylo stayed under his protection? Or, did it mean the wookie would be out to kill him. It turned his blood cold to think of murder in the wookie’s heart, even when his parents were furious with him the wookie never lost his temper or sense of humor. Would he have to kill them all? All of the adults that raised him? His three remaining parents knew him now for the monster he’d always been, what they had tried to squash out of him. 

“Monster,” he said quietly through the modulator.

 

\----  
\----

 

“Focus,” Kylo Ren said sternly. Darraha’s eyes fluttered open and she gave him a withering look, “Let your emotions surface one by one and settle them. Deal with them, once you’re empty you can let the force in.” He closed his own eyes and began the complicated process of sorting through his own feelings.

He could feel her uncertainty, then she locked down zeroing in on her feelings. After a while he felt her settle and he returned to his own task. After 30 minutes he said, “Now try to sense everything in this room, start picking the threads of the force between the things, the cells in your body, the ones in mine, the force signature of the troopers in the next room.” He could feel her struggling. 

“I can’t, feel them, I can see you,” she said the force running through him. She could see it in her mind's eye.

“Good, focus on it, do you see how it flows?” He asked, he knew they should be a on a planet for this, surrounded by life. It would be easier, but she had picked him up, already, he felt the guilt twinge as his jealousy prickled again but he pushed it down. 

“Ye-es,” she said, unsure, she could see his form illuminated, but something felt off, was it the storm inside him? She then felt Twitch in the training room next door working with force pikes. She felt another trooper take a hit. “It’s too,” she tried to breathe, “there's too much of it.”

“Pull yourself back, bring yourself back inside your mind, don’t try to see it all,” he had pushed her too far, her natural ability made her expand too much. “Focus on going back into your mind and emptying everything again.” 

Her breathing increased he could feel the pain in her chest from the injury when she breathed too deep. Slowly she pushed her walls back up blocking everything out. She sifted through everything but couldn't quite clear her mind, “ Just try to find peace,” he said gently. Finally she settled and she released her emotions coming to a quiet hum. “Good, instead of looking outward see if you can hear the force within you. It's not always a voice sometimes it's a sound, it's like background noise, it's why you don't notice it.”

“It feels like I have a tusk that's going to erupt from my forehead,” he snickered softly.

“Then it's time to stop for today,” he stood and helped her up, she came grunting to her feet. “Still hurting,” she nodded. “You could always take another dose of painkillers,” he said smiling.

“I'm good,” she said blushing.

“I kind of want to hear you tell me how pretty I am again,” he said teasing her, she stuck her tongue out.

“That was a one time show Ren,” he grinned even more. “Although I suppose it's only fair, I got to see you loopy and out of it.”

He snickered wrapping an arm around her carefully, “I suppose it's time for tactics.” He guided her to the door and they separated, “We're going to join the detachment that's going with us on the mission for briefing and tactics,” he looked her over, “better change into your everyday blacks.” She sighed but understood. “I can help,” he said slipping his helmet back on.

“I can manage it,” she replied as they headed to her quarters, her security detail following close behind. Kylo turned sharply, “You three need to join the briefing since I assume you're joining us?” 

Cake nodded, “Yes Commander we were informed this morning that we'll be joining you.” Ren grumbled but followed Darrah to her quarters, “I'll see you at the briefing captain.” He spun on his heel and stomped to his door way.

“You guys coming in or acting like guard dogs?” Darrah could have sworn she heard 81 snicker.

“Just Cake Ma’am,” said Twitch. Darrah rolled her eyes and unlocked the panel. Cake followed her in and stood by the door.

“I have to change so take a seat if you want it's going to take a minute,” he nodded but didn't move, “want a water or milk?”

“You have milk ma’am?” She nodded and opened the small fridge in her room.

“Catch,” she said tossing him a small bottle he caught it and stared at it in his hands, “do you need permission to remove your helmet?” He nodded, “Permission granted to remove helmet trooper,”she said shaking her head and picked a uniform out of the closet. Without looking back she headed into the refresher and changed into the uniform, coming out she grabbed the hairbrush on the sink and started taming her hair enough to pull it up.

“Cak-” she said turning, but stopped dead, he sat at the small dinette at the corner of the room sipping the milk, “I had no idea you were a ginger,” she said stunned.

He grinned, “What's a ginger?”

“Red headed, like General Hux,” he nodded blushing.

“How old are you? You don't look more than 20,” she said thoughtfully pinning her hair up into a messy bun that the cap would thankfully hide.

“I'm 22 I think, at least I've been here about 20 years or so, they usually don't take us younger than 2,” the blush spread down his neck.

“Wait who doesn't take you, are you saying you've been in the First Order since you were an infant?”

He nodded, “Most of the officers join after academy I think, but they don't really talk to us much,” he grinned blue mustache and all. “Thanks for the milk,” he said after emptying the bottle and wiping his lips, “we don't get it much unless we're on a base.”

“Anytime Cake,” she smiled and they headed towards the door, “are the others…. Have they been in that long as well?” He nodded, “What about leave and holidays, don't you go home?” 

He shifted uncomfortably, “The First Order is our home ma’am at least it's the only one I've ever known.”

Darrah’s heart fell, she put a hand on his shoulder, “I'm sorry Cake,” he shrugged and they headed back out to the hall way. Cake led the way to the briefing but Darrah couldn't keep her thoughts clear.

She sat down with the troopers involved as an officer took the podium upfront and described the mission. They were going to settle a refinery dispute on a First Order world, apparently the planet where most of the warship fuel came from had revolted. Kylo Ren and a detachment of troopers were going to retake the factory. 

Taking some notes on the layout she straightened as Ren took the podium, “I trust that there will be no disappointments, we will retake the refinery and production will begin immediately.”

The troopers all nodded in assent, the tactician went over tactics, stressing the importance of bottlenecking the miners. While taking the refinery by force would be necessary they were reminded they were there for crowd control as well. If they killed too many workers there would be no one to produce the fuel.

After the briefing Darrah felt an unreasonable dread about the upcoming mission, she stood in the hallway quietly chatting with her security detail, “Captain Mereel,” the modulated voice cut through the din if of the chatter, “please accompany me,” she followed him with security detail in tow. Kylo didn't dismiss them this time and the group made its way through several levels. “Please accompany me at the shooting range,” he nodded to the troopers, “I've reviewed your accuracy as well, everyone but TP-2049 are in need of improvement. 

Cake straightened seeming to take pride in the praise. Pulling out her blaster Darrah took a spot several booths down from the troopers and began firing until her first cartridge ran out energy. “Impressive,” Ren purred behind her, “ the target shows a 95% accuracy.” 

“I hit the target each time,” she replied calling up the target, “not every shot needs to be a killing blow,” she pointed to several shots to the shoulders legs and hands.

“Don't let Phasma hear you say that,” he reached up and undid the helmet, “there is no reason to endanger everyone. Take out the target with the first shot.” He cleared the target and sent it back to the end of the gallery, “Now show me a cartridge of kill shots.”

Darrah swallowed and fitted the next cartridge in her pistol, taking aim she fired, “All head shots,” he said his lips by her ear.

 

“I'm a bodyguard not a killer,” she said softly, “especially not against factory workers.”

His hand rested against her hip, from the outside it looked like he made micro adjustments to her stance, “Darrah,” he said softly, “if it all goes according to plan you won't even leave the ship.”

“Did the First Order take this planet by force?” She asked trying to keep her emotions in check.

“No, their royal family made an alliance with us, they get protection and in return we get fuel,” he said his arm coming up and bending her right elbow slightly, “Don't let it bother you, you work for me not The First Order you'll only engage if things go wrong.” He snuck a kiss to her neck, “Now dismiss your entourage and have dinner with me.”

“Can I dismiss them?” He nodded grinning as he slipped his helmet back on.

“You're a captain, it won't keep them away but it will dismiss them until they're redeployed.”

“Gentlemen, “ Darrah said smiling, “You're dismissed. Go find some dinner and hit your bunks early, combat tomorrow.” Twitch and 81 nodded turning for the door 

“You can eat with us Captain,” Cake said. 

“I'm joining the Commander for dinner, we're going to work on contingency plans,” Cake nodded starting to turn but he stopped looking back at her 

“You're really not scared of him?” His head inclined in disbelief.

“No, he doesn't frighten me, I wouldn't make a very good body guard if my charge frightened me,” she smiled.

“I just worry about you Ma’am, I'm afraid he'll hurt you, he” he lowered his voice, “he has a temper and abilities, I've seen him kill without touching someone. “

“I can take care of myself Cake,” she patted his shoulder, “but thank you for worrying about me.”

Returning to Kylo Ren she mentioned dinner, he nodded and led they way to the officer's dining room, “I usually eat in my room,” he motioned to a table and they sat down. “The officers either want to avoid me completely or hope to advance their careers by making friends. I don't make friends easily.”

“It must be your charming personality Ren,” she said more than a little amused. 

Removing the mask he smirked, “I don't understand why when you say things like that I don't want to dismember you,” she took a bite of one of the rolls a server left on the table.

“It's because you like my company,” he frowned.

“True, you're funnier than the officers and you're not trying to get a promotion so when you say something you mean it,” he looked at the menu, “Steak?”

“Why not? Possibly our last meal,” the waiter came up to take orders, “I'll have the sirloin, rare, buttered potatoes and a whiskey.” The waiter nodded stunned, Ren smirked and ordered the same.

Coming back with the drinks the waiter sat them down and scurried away, toasting each other they downed their drinks, “Normally I don't drink before a mission,” he said his eyes animated, “but that sounded good.”

“Always toast a mission and have an excellent cigar waiting for its successful completion,” she pulled two shento cigars from her breast pocket, “to be smoked when we’re headed back.” 

Ren fought a laugh, coughing quietly into his hand but he couldn't stop the smile, “Is every Corellian like this?” He asked picking up the cigar and smelling it, it brought back memories he usually fought with.

“Pretty much,” she said taking a sip of water, “next thing you know I'll have a Sabaac ring started down in the pilot's lounge,” he didn't stop the laugh this time and they drew stares.

“I'm glad you joined me Darrah,” she winked and motioned for a second whiskey as the waiter brought their steaks. He took a bite and felt at ease for the first time in a long time, “How'd storing your ship go?”

“Went well, it's safe and sound, cargo delivered, “ she grinned.

 

“Good, how long till you move your ship from where it's berthed,” Darrah chuckled, “I know Corellians,” he said smiling.

 

“A while, I have to make sure you're not still watching it,” she winked.

“We'll be successful tomorrow, it's pretty straight forward,” he switched topics quickly before she said anything else that reminded him of his father, “So there should be few if any casualties.”

Darrah frowned, “Just doesn't seem right, did anyone try to negotiate with them?”

“I'm sure the planet officials did,” he said taking another bite of steak, “but that's not our concern, restoring production is.”

“You're the boss Commander,” she said with equal parts respect and sarcasm before attacking her own steak.

Kylo shook his head, it should disturb him how much she reminded him of his father but he found it endearing and at times downright sexy. He watched her dissect the steak and then potatoes she looked up, “Yes?” 

“Nothing,” he said smiling, “want dessert? “ She shook her head, “Well I think we're done then, can I walk you to your quarters?” She smiled and joined him, while in the lift he placed his hand at the small of her back and guided her back to her room. Helmet in hand he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and then kissed her thoroughly, he wanted her to ask him to stay but she didn't so he made his goodbyes and went back to his own quarters quickly shedding his clothes and hopped in the refresher.

Still naked he sat in the middle of his bed and cleared his mind centering himself for the next day's mission but his thoughts kept returning to Darrah. He sighed giving up and laid down, his bed smelled of her. Sniffing the pillow cases he sighed again, he didn't like having her down the hall. She probably needed space. A dull ache started in his side and he tried to ignore it, the healing scar tissue reminding him of his mistake. 

Closing his eyes he could see the catwalk, his eyes flew open and he started breathing deeply fighting it, he could hear him wheezing, faintly he heard his father's voice, “Ben,” he called to him, “I only wanted to bring you home.” He stood pacing trying not to panic, his hands balled into fists, he could hear the death rattle.

“Stop it,” he said the rattling continued until he called his lightsaber to himself and started slashing the walls again screaming, he didn't hear the door open. When he stilled he heard her breathing, he turned anger and fear still written all over his face.

“Destroy First Order property while naked often?” He almost laughed, his chest still heaving from exertion. He deactivated the saber and dropped it. “Durasteel just isn't as sound proof as you'd think,” she said inching closer. “Another disappointing conversation with Hux? “

He shook his head, “No, just… pent up emotions.” He didn't want to talk about it and he hoped she wouldn't press him, he already felt calmer. “Trouble sleeping?” It sounded ridiculous he knew why she was here.

“Yeah neighbors just don't understand when to turn down the music you know?” She smiled he tried to keep his face neutral but it was infectious.

“I'm sorry,” he said looking down, “I… didn't realize I could be heard, no one's ever stopped me before.”

“Probably because you're swinging around a lightsaber,” she looked down at it, “is it going to blow up? In all the holo vids I've seen I've never seen a ragged edged one before.”

“It's unstable,” he said bending down to pick it up, the hilt still hot.

“Suits you,” she said smiling, “any way to stabilize it so you don't lose an arm?”

Kylo shrugged, “I've been working on it, but it's always like that.” She nodded mutely, “I had to start wiring it on the outside.”

“Components melted?”

“Yeah,” he said, “probably need to redo this one soon.”

“Big day tomorrow,” she said crossing her arms, “you should probably get some sleep,” Darrah commented. She reached out for him, “Why don't you lay down.”

“Will,” his eyes watered a bit, “will you stay?”

She blew out some air, “I can stay until you go to sleep,” he frowned, “I just need some alone time, I'm never around people this much. I just need some adjustment time.” She climbed on the bed and patted the mattress. Crawling in next to her he curled up against her, “What happened?”

Looking up at her he tried to decide what to say and what to hold back, “Sometimes I can't sort through my emotions and I just need to release them. “

Darrah stroked his hair, “I guess that's easier than painting,” he smiled weakly. “Go to sleep now,” he drifted off after a time, she meant to get up and return to her own room but the steady rhythm of his breath soon lulled her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments :D
> 
> I now have a [ tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/trashfan2003) for my fics.
> 
> BIg thanks to my beta [ SeriouslySatan ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySatan/pseuds/SeriouslySatan) for reading though my writing and turning it into something half way comprehensible. Which by the way if you like SuperNatural she's writing a pretty awesome fic. Check it out.


	7. It's a Trap!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darrah's patience is wearing thin when she can't get Ren to respond during the mission. Tropes ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the notes! Much love to everyone who commented. I hope to be updating more often I've finally settled into my new position at work and should beable to organize my personal life a little better. Enjoy <3

Chapter 7 

* * *

It's a Trap 

**** Darrah ****

“Commander Ren please respond with status, over,” Darrah kept watch on the sensor array in front of her, turning to her co-pilot WY-0794, “what's mission time?”

“Thirty five minutes Ma’am,” Darrah cursed loudly making the pilot tense.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Darrah commented as she looked though the layout, no one had responded in over ten minutes, “Something has gone wrong, we should be able to make radio contact with the team.”

Darrah paced, she touched the comm unit on her neck, “Reply all, situation report, over.”

They heard a crackle then a garbled reply, “Repeat that trooper, over.”

Heavily distorted they heard, “pinned down,” static crackled loudly, “team separated, several,” static crackled, “need extraction.”

“Damn,” Darrah said, “Okay WY-0794, you're in command, Troopers which of you have combat experience?” Only her three security troopers raised their hands.

“Well… I'd hoped there'd be more, okay I need ten volunteers to accompany us,” she looked expectantly at twenty helmets. “None of you want to volunteer?”

“Ma’am,” said WY-0794, “they've never been asked a question like that,” she tried not to tremble.

“Hmmm okay, you ten,” she waved down the left hand side of the shuttle, “you're coming with me, how far do your local coms work?”

“Couple hundred feet ma’am, maybe up to 500,” he straightened. 

“Alright, I don't know why we can't reach the mission team but we're gonna go in and we're going to get our people. Then we’re gonna get the hell off this rock.” She faced the right side, “You ten defend this ship, WY-0794 is now your commander until I return with Commander Ren.” They nodded, “Anything other than stormtrooper white, Ren or me you shoot it dead got it?” 

“Aye!”

“Away team lock and load, “ the troopers stood and filed out of the ship, “WY-0794, take care of the ship, you can do this,” she said squeezing her shoulder. “I'll try to radio in 15 minute increments .” She nodded as her hands flew along the controls.

“Ma’am! Here,” she held out a red blinking dot, “it's a tracker, I-I can't pick up commander Ren's but this runs on a different frequency, if they're blocking his I may still be able to track you.” 

When activated it stopped blinking and sent out a pulse that registered on the console, “Thank you,” Darrah said smiling, “Catch you on the flip.” Joining the Troopers Darrah pointed forward taking point. “Stay silent unless you see something,” they nodded bunching, “stay side by side keep 4 feet between you, if we group up closer it's easier to take us out.” 

Entering the tunnel to the factory she felt a chill, “Away team to base, copy?” 

“Base to away team, copy, you're still clear and visible, over.”

Darrah smiled, “Let's go deeper,” rounding the first corner they came upon a puddle of blood and a scorch mark. “We should have heard that top side,” she said frowning. “Keep your eyes peeled,” they went 's another few hundred feet, “Base this is the away team, copy?” Base replied but it was scratchy and distorted, “can you all still hear?” They nodded, “Okay you, I'm sorry I don't know your call sign, go back a 100 feet you're our first relay to base got that?” She nodded, “Call sign?”

“TL-2584,” she sidestepped frightened.

“Nickname?” she shook her head, “Any other 84’s?” All of the troopers shook their heads, “Congrats you're now 84, I'll think of a better one when we get out okay?” She nodded, “You're job is to relay everything we tell you to base okay? You're our lifeline, if base is in trouble I want to know okay? “

“Y-ye-yes Ma’am,” she said.

“Anyone comes at you that's not one of ours shoot to kill,” she nodded vehemently, “Mission team copy?” Darrah said shifting her focus forward, they heard a crackle.

“Mission team,” said a strained voice, “who is this?”

“Captain Mereel, what's your 20 Trooper,” the radio crackled and they heard labored breathing.

“In between blast doors,” the trooper wheezed. “We took heavy fire,” the comms kept crackling.

“Visual on Commander Ren?”

“He's on the other side of the blast doors but not responding Ma’am. We're not gonna last long.”

“Hang tight trooper we’re on our way,” Darrah looked down at the tracking pad she still couldn't see Ren’s tracker. “Move out,” she said taking point coming up on a curve she rolled a flash bang out and heard shouts, rushing forward she saw orange and tan resistance uniforms rushing back she whispered, “84?”

“Yes Ma’am?”

“This is a Resistance Trap, tell base call for back up, we're going in for Commander Ren,” she nodded and the troopers crouched as she threw a thermal detonator into the room. After the explosion Darrah rushed in yelling loudly with the troopers right behind her. She didn't know why but she knew there'd only be 4 people in that room. Gunning them down she reached the first blast door, “Trooper we’re on the other side of the first blast door, Resistance troops are dead let us in!” The door shimmied and lifted revealing three troopers badly injured, “Cake first aid!” She yelled rushing to their sides, “Did you see the other side of that door trooper” He shook his head. 

“No Ma’am they separated us and the combatants got us from the backside, Top,” he nodded to the dead trooper,” hit the door panel cutting them off,” he panted.

“You're gonna be okay trooper. What’s your nickname?”

“Bells ma’am,” she pulled off his helmet his dark closed cropped hair was slick with sweat.

“You're gonna be okay Bells, and you're gonna tell me the story behind that name when you buy me a round okay?” He nodded pale.

“84?” 

“Yes captain?”

“We’re going to need medics, get that backup.”

“Ma’am they need an authentication code,” Darrah cursed racking her mind, “Alpha 28-7, backup requested by Captain Mereel, “she let out a sigh. A few beats passed with no reply, “84?”

“They want your challenge phrase ma’am,” Darrah blushed, she didn't dream she'd actually need back up when she set her challenge phrase.

“Challenge phrase: Ren rules Hux drools,” she said. Cake and her other two personal escorts started snickering but Bells looked horrified. “I know Bells… I was angry with General Hux at the time, I think I'm going to get a pretty good chewing out when he finds out.” 

After taking a moment she walked around looking at the door panel, “Okay let's move the injured back behind that blast door,” they moved the the injured, “you,” she said pointing to a trooper, “you stay with them, help them, keep them safe. If my link to 84 gets scratchy you're my second com relay, got it?” 

“Yes Ma’am, “ he said solemnly.

“Rest of you let's take what weapons we can,” they started rummaging through the dead coming out with several more blasters, some detonators, and three medkits. “Let's see if we can get that blast door open.” She paused pressing the com link on her neck again, “Commander Ren do you copy?” Silence, “84, where's my backup?”

“20 maybe 30 minutes out ma’am,” Darrah cursed.

“Keep me updated 84,” The troopers looked at her expectantly, “Anyone have tech experience? Can you hack doors?” All of them shook their heads, nodding more to herself than the troopers Darrah set to work on the door panel taking it apart, stripping some of the wires and touching them together finally two sparked and the door opened, crouching she peeked around the doorway it looked isolated. 

She motioned to two toppers who flanked her and they snuck into the next corridor, she closed her eyes, “Ren is in here,” she said softly and Cake looked at her, “in the plans how many hallways emptied into this room?”

“Four I think ma’am,” she cursed, and the snuck back behind the blast doors, “here's the plan in groups of two, you eight train your blasters on each hall way,” she looked at her security detail, “you three boys are with me we're gonna find Ren and the rest of the troopers.” 

Taking position the 8 troopers trained their weapons on the hallways, Darrah took a deep breath, “Commander Ren, please respond,” only silence answered back. “Okay boys let's look around,” she took a step and a blaster bolt shot right by narrowly missing her body, “Take cover!” 

Finally finding the source of the blaster bolts she aimed up to the next level taking out a Resistance member. She fell to their level with a sickening thud, the troopers trained their blasters and fired. An eerie calm settled around them after the last Resistance member fell. Scurrying around crouching low `she searched for Ren, “Over here!” she shouted as she spotted his silhouette on the ground cursing she slid to a stop next to his body. The Resistance members started firing again but she had plenty of cover behind a stack of crates. “Take em’out Troopers,” she shouted, peering over the top and training her blaster on a Resistance member. After taking down a few more she switched her attention back to Ren.

Fumbling she got his mask off, he looked pale, “If you die you son of a bitch I'll pull you back from hell just to kill you myself,” she grumbled as she pulled out the med kit out looking for a portable scanner but she realized she didn't need it. He had taken a chest shot. Fumbling for his artery she found it, his pulse weak but still there. Unsheathing the knife strapped to her ankle she cut at the hole in his garment until she could see the wound, it didn't look like a blaster wound it looked like a ballistics wound. “Krif,” she pressed her communicator on her throat, “watch out for a sniper,” she said on the general comm,”84 where's back up?”

“Twenty minutes ma’am,” her voice garbled.

“Cake, Twitch, 81, get your asses over here I need help,” with in moments the three scrambled to her, “twitch take his left arm, 81 his right, Cake sit on his legs, I gotta get this bullet out and stop the bleeding.“ They nodded, sitting on his abdomen she closed her eyes, “I'm so sorry Kylo for what I'm about to do,” she said softly. Darrah kissed his forehead then shoved her thumb and index finger in his wound. 

He screamed coming awake and started fighting them. Finally she got a hold of the bullet and wrenched it out, luckily the armor in his cloak had slowed it down so the bullet hadn't gone too deep. “Hang on Ren, “ she said as his eyes focused on her. “This is really going to hurt,” she grabbed an instrument from the med pack, “Hold your breath Kylo,” she stuck the nozzle in the wound and pulled the trigger filling the wound with a protein foam Ren made a gurgling scream and passed back out. Laying her head on his chest she could hear it, “Damn I think one of his lungs collapsed,” she fished around finally finding the scanner, she scanned his chest confirming her fear. Pulling out a long needle she stabbed his chest listening to the air hiss out and terrifying a minute later his eyes fluttered as he took a ragged but deep breath.

“Welcome back,” she said smiling, she stroked his cheek leaving a trail of blood, “medics and back up will be here soon.” The sound of blaster fire intensified she stood still straddling him and peeked over the crates. More Resistance troops had arrived she picked off a few more when she saw a familiar face, cursing she crouched down low again, “we gotta get back behind the blast door and seal it,” she said to Cake.

“No,” rasped Ren, “we have to take the control room.”

“It's impossible Ren,” she said. “It was a kriffing trap, the Resistance have us out manned ten to one.”

“We can't fail,” he said coughing, some blood came up but he cleared his throat he tried to stand but Darrah pushed him back down.

“Are you insane? Don't move,” he frowned.

“Failure is not an option, the Supreme Leader demanded that we retake the factory.” He tried to stand but Darrah kept pushing him down.

“You're not going to make it if you push it,” she said frankly. “Wait for backup and a real medic,” she crouched beside him, “please Ren,” she plead with him.

He slumped back against the crates, “I can't fail again,” he searched her eyes.

“You didn't fail, we were ambushed, which means either the Royal Family set us up-”

“Or we have a traitor in our midst,” he finished her thoughts anger then furry displayed on his face, “all the more reason to tear through them.” He picked up his helmet and started to stand swaying, Darrah caught him.

“I'm furious too but what you're doing is suicide,” she frowned at him.

“Either help me or get out of my way,” he growled through the modulator.

“Wait!” she shouted, he turned back to her she fished out a stim shot and injected him through the tears in his armor he hissed but ignited his lightsaber stepping back into the fray she followed him, “Troopers,” she shouted into her comm, “cover Kylo Ren were going for the control room!” Ren bounced blaster bolts back at the gunmen while Darrah and the troopers picked off the forces. Ren grabbed a few with the force from the upper level pulling them over the railings.

Room momentarily clear Ren stalked through the middle hall way with Darrah and her unit following close behind, “you two take rear,” she shouted and two troopers spun training their blasters behind the group ready for anyone as four other troopers snuck out from behind the cover, “If it's not first order take it down!” she shouted as she took out another Resistance fighter. Ren grabbed her arm.

“Just ahead is the control room door,” the hallway looked deserted.

“How many in that room?”

He reached out with the force, “Six… I think there are a few droids.”

Darrah took the door panel cover off with the tip of her knife, “Cake, Twitch throw in grenades when this door opens everyone else take cover.” Ren nodded standing in the middle ready to deflect blaster bolts, striking the wires together the blast doors opened. Tossing in their grenades Twitch and Cake dove for cover as the two blasts went off. Ren ran in and Darrah tailed him, she took out two and Ren cut down the other four.

A gold droid with a red arm wailed, Ren switched it off and it slid down the wall. He took the main comm panel and pressed send, “Attention Resistance forces, the First Order has taken control of this facility surrender or be killed.” Just then behind them upwards of 40 troopers flooded in, Resistance fighters started coming out with their arms up. Captain Phasma marched into the control room.

“Your orders Sir?”

“Clean it up Phasma,” she nodded and started barking orders at Troopers, they began slapping binders on the Resistance fighters. “Take that droid into custody, it belongs to the General,” Phasma nodded as Ren slumped against Darrah.

“Medic!” She shouted and two medics appeared by their side, “attend Commander Ren,” he stared at her through his visor as the medics started scanning him. 

She heard one curse, “Get him back to the ship,” the medic shouted guiding him to a stretcher but he refused. 

“Let's walk back to the ship then,” she said to him gently. Ren nodded allowing Darah to drape his arm over her shoulders the medic took the other side. Together they walked him back up the tunnel and to the med shuttle. “ WY-0794,” she said into the comm , “good job, the shuttle is yours to pilot back.”

“Thank you Ma'am,” WY-0794 replied as a smile cracked her features.

 

****

Much later, Darrah sat in front of a bacta tank watching Kylo Ren float. Occasionally he would open his eyes or twitch but soon he'd close his eyes again as the heavy sedatives pulled him back under, “Here you are dear,” said Dr Malvern, “nice hot cup of caf.”

“Thank you,” she said smiling, Dr Malvern sat next to her.

“You're very welcome, I can't believe you got him to agree to a bacta treatment,” he said as he sipped his own.

“I threatened to quit,” she took a sip closing her eyes savoring the flavor.

“I see,” he said grinning, “I hear you stabilized him. Where did you learn that kind of aid.”

“New Republic Forces, I spent three years as a pilot,” she smiled sweetly.

“Yes but that went beyond basic first aid,” he said.

“My adoptive mother,” she started wondering how much she should reveal, “served in the Rebellion, before I joined up she made me learn medic tactics she didn't believe basic covered enough.”

“I tend to agree with her, he owes you his life yet again,” Malvern said quietly.

“Part of the job description,” she said but she remembered the feeling of finding him, nearly lifeless and shook her head.“How are my Troopers?”

He chuckled, “They're recovering, that one,” he pointed to Bells, “will need a transfusion, but he's going to make it.”

Darrah smiled, “Do you know how many we lost?”

He shook his head, “No, but not many.”

“What about our prisoners?”

“There are a few in the detention med ward, but I think they're mostly officers,” she took a breath before asking the next question.

“Any high profile detainees? “

He raised an eyebrow, “Any one specific you're looking for?”

“No… not really, I just saw a few familiar faces and just wondered I'd we picked then up or if they escaped somehow.”

“From what I understand most escaped, the ones that are well enough are being interrogated,” she made a face, “but a few will await interrogation by Kylo Ren himself.”

“How is he?” She asked standing and walking toward his tank, his eyes fluttered open focusing on her for a moment then closing.

“Much better, he still had wounds from a few months ago that had not properly healed. I don't know how he stood it,” Dr Malvern touched her shoulder, “he's in good hands, if you want to go rest.”

“No, I promised him I'd keep watch, but thank you,” Malvern squeezed her shoulder gently and headed back into the infirmary to check on his other patients.

 

*****

“Shh, don't move,” Ren groaned and shifted, “you're still in some pain,” he cracked an eye open.

“Where am I, “ he asked timidly.

“I had them bring you to your room,” he tried to roll to his side, “Stop that you're still hooked up to monitors.” Darrah pushed him back against the bed, “Take these,” she handed him three pills.

“I don't want them,” he tried to sit but groaned. “Why can't I move?”

“It's the sedatives. Malvern gave you a large dose to keep you calm while we moved you here,” she helped him sit and put several pillows behind him, “these won't hurt you. It's an antibiotic, a muscle relaxer and something for the pain.”

“I don't want them,” she sighed.

“At least take the antibiotics, you have an infection, the bullet had some sort of toxin on it,” he grimaced, “it's why you're still not healed.”

“My skin feels burned,” she nodded.

“That's why you should take the pain reliever, you'll be able to stand something more than sheets,” he hadn't realized they'd kept him stripped.

“I'll take the antibiotics, but I don't want anything that will affect my mind,”

“Okay Ren,” she sighed taking back the other two, ”I wish you'd reconsider,” her communicator beeped, “Captain Mereel here.”

“Captain please report to my office for debriefing,” Ren grumbled something about couldn't he do it later. “I've waited three days to debrief her,” Ren looked at you.

“I've been out three days?” He looked shocked, “When did you sleep?”

Darrah opened her mouth to speak, but Hux interrupted, “Malvern reported that you'd be lucid by now and she could leave you,” he scowled.

“You haven't slept at all?”

“I'll report once I have Commander Ren settled,” Ren noticed how drawn her face looked. 

“Make it sooner rather than later captain,” Hux said before ending the communication.

“Why didn't you sleep?” He motioned to her and she sat on the bed with him.

“I couldn't settle down,” he took her hand, the movement hurt but he wanted to touch her.

“You kept watch over me for three days?” He was in shock, “Lay down with me,” she hesitated.

“I can't touch you it will hurt,” he sighed.

“If I take the pain killer will you lay with me?” She considered it.

“I'll go make my report then, yes I'll lay with you,” he frowned.

“You should rest first,” he stroked the back of her hand.

“Thirty more minutes won't matter,” she smiled, “besides I'm still jittery from all the caf I've drank.” 

“Go make your report,” he kissed the back of her hand. “Then we'll rest.” 

“Okay Ren,” she kissed him as gently as she could on his forehead.

After straightening her uniform Darrah made her way to General Hux’s office, she sat after the secretary asked her to wait, twenty minutes later the door slid open and Hux called to her.

“Your report is late Captain,” Hux said without looking up.

“My apologies General, I was busy taking care of Commander Ren per his instructions,” Hux raised an eyebrow. 

“Yes I know about your arrangement,” he sneered, “but back to business. Please recount the events leading to you taking control of the mission.” Darrah replayed the event for Hux, stifling a yawn.

“And based upon the broken transmission you decided to rescue the troopers and Commander Ren?”

“Yes sir,” she yawned again, “but once we made it through the first blast door we discovered the Resistance trap,” He scowled.

“After breaching the first doors you neutralized the assailants?” She nodded but Hux motioned for her to continue.

“Yes sir, then we contacted the Troopers on the other side and we administered first aid to the surviving three Troopers.”

“Then you called for back up?”

Darrah blushed, “We were faced with an unknown number of Resistance fighters and we couldn't raise Commander Ren on comms. I thought we would need back up.”

“And your challenge phrase? “ Hux’s mouth became a straight line.

“Ren rules and Hux drools,” she said.

Hux stared at her silently, “Is that a proper challenge phrase Captain?”

“No Sir it isn't, I've put in a request to change it ,” Hux looked like he softened. 

“Please continue Captain and after you opened the second set of blast doors?”

Darrah recounted finding Ren, reviving him and their battle against the larger group of resistance forces and then the taking of the control room. “After that backup arrived and I escorted Commander Ren to the medical ship and have been with him since.”

“And have you slept Captain?”

“I believe I dozed in the medical Ward a bit,” she said looking down.

“You're relieved of duty for the next three days Captain, I suggest you rest, you'll be taking a full battery of leadership classes after that.”

“Sir?” She asked a little confused.

“Captain, you completed the mission. You saved the lives of no less than 12 stormtroopers. After you took control there were no further casualties. Five different Troopers have recommended you for commendations,” he took a sip of a steaming tea. “Despite my personal dislike of you, you make a good leader,” he eyed her. “I will not allow that to avoid utilizing you as a resource. Have you had any previous military training? All of your testing shows high aptitude.”

“Yes, I served in New Republic Forces for three years as a pilot,” she said quietly exhaustion threatened to take over. 

He frowned, “Rank obtained?”

“Flight Lieutenant,” she took a deep breath, “but I got into a personal disagreement with the Wing Commander that became a public argument,” she felt like crying digging up the past like this,”the tribunal tossed me out.”

“What did you do?”

“I struck a superior officer in public, he tried not to push punishment since it was over a personal matter but…”

“Since it was done in public he had no choice, I see, well Captain,” he cleared his throat, “you're dismissed, do try rest.”

“Thank you General,” she said then walked back to Ren’s quarters.

Darrah found him resting peacefully, afraid of hurting him she pulled out a blanket and made a pallet on the floor just before she dropped off to sleep she heard Ren groggily say her name.

“I'm here Kylo.”

“Why aren't you in the bed?”

“I didn't want to disturb you,” she said sitting up, he reached out an arm, “Did you take the pain pill?”

He shook his head, “Didn't want to pass out before you came back, but I'll take it now.”

Darrah stood and retrieved the medicine he took it without argument. She climbed in bed next to him leaving space between them.

“Come closer,” he said.

“I'm waiting for them to kick in,” he grumbled, “Don't make noises, I'm trying not to hurt you.” 

 

He grunted then took her hand, “Darrah, I don't care if it hurts I want to hold you,” she sighed but slid next to him, he pulled her to rest against him, “besides these things kick in fast if you remember.”

Blushing she kissed his cheek and snuggled close, “Fine,” he grinned.

“Do you need cover?” Shaking her head she wrapped her arm around his torso, “Then go to sleep,” he stroked her arm, “you've more than earned it.”

After she drifted off Kylo shifted coming to his side, the pain reliever making it easier to move he pulled her close, nestling her body against his placing a kiss in her hair, he drifted off content and feeling whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to my beta and sounding board [ SeriouslySatan ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySatan) she puts up with so much of my crap. 
> 
> Check out my [ Tumblr ](https://trashfan2003.tumblr.com/), i've posted some HC but feel free to send me comments, criticisms or tell me if there's something you'd like to see.


	8. *Update not a chapter*

All of my writings are on an indefinite hiatus, I'm dealing with some unfortunate family conditions and I'm just not in the mind set to be writing. I'm very sorry but I will be back soon.

Lots of love,

-trashfan2003


	9. Doctor's Orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor gives orders that Kylo takes it easy as he heals.

A loud beeping startled Darrah awake, “Captain Mereel? Commander?” Came a firm yet worried voice, she tried to sit up but couldn't, Kylo’s heavy arm still held her tightly. The lights came up with Dr Malvern standing at the foot of the bed, “All of his sensors have flatlined,” Darrah sat up and frantically checked Kylo for a pulse. She found it strong and even. She shook him gently until he opened his eyes.

“What is it?” He asked, squinting against the light.

“Commander,” said the doctor, “I'm sorry to disturb you, but all of your sensors flat lined. When I couldn't raise you or Captain Mereel on comms, I had to use the medical override to open your quarters. “

Darrah straightened, “Why didn't you take his vitals when you entered?”

Kylo smirked, “Because, he thought I'd be less likely to kill you,” Darrah frowned.

“What if he were in trouble?” Her anger flashed red hot but Kylo took her hand.

“I'm afraid not everyone has the same affinity for me that you do,” he kissed her knuckles tenderly. Dr Malvern had the decency to show his shame, “I killed his predecessor, I understand why he's uncomfortable around me.”

“I'm sure they deserved it,” she said as she felt his forehead, “he still has a fever. Have you figured out what toxin is affecting him?”

Kylo felt his heart stutter at her worry for him, “Actually, yes, we have,” he motioned to the MD droid, “however sir, it has to be delivered intravenously,” Malvern swallowed. “We need to start the drip immediately but,” he stammered, “there could be complications. In your weakened state, we need to do this in the medical ward.”

“No,” Kylo said, “you know I won't allow that. If I have to undergo the treatment, I'll take it here, where I'm comfortable.”

“What… what if there are complications Kylo? “ Darrah asked squeezing his hand, “I'm not a doctor,” Kylo kissed her knuckles again.

“I trust you'll do all that you can, but I believe he's going to leave the MD droid here as well as wait out the treatment himself, it's why he came prepared, isn't it doctor?”

“Y-ye-yes sir,” he said.

Kylo looked to Darrah, “You're not going to let me out of this one, are you?”

Darrah shook her head, “No I'm not, unless you're just determined to die,” Kylo smirked.

“Very well,” Kylo said exasperated the MD droid rolled next to the bed, a long pole extended from the top. Malvern opened a few panels and started removing tubing and a pouch of medicine, he swabbed Kylo's arm and Kylo squeezed Darrah's hand tightly.

“Look at me,” she said leaning in close stroking his face. “Don't look at him, look at me.” Kylo focused on her, he felt the slight sting as the needle slid in, “you're going to be well very soon. Then you can make me pay for this,” Kylo’s eyebrow raised. Darrah smiled, “It's finished,” Kylo looked down to where the IV line connected him to the MD droid. “How long will it take Malvern? “

“About four hours Ma’am. I'm also going to start an antibiotic drip as well, after these both finish you should be better sir. It may take another day or two of rest, but you'll feel significantly better.”

“Do you want some food Kylo?” He nodded, Darrah picked up the data pad and started entering orders, “You doctor?”

“No Ma’am, I've already eaten,” he said as she placed their order.

“Kylo,” his focus switched to her, “is it okay if I shower? I’m not sure when I did it last.”

“Make yourself at home, you know where my pajamas are,” she smiled and kissed his forehead, the doctor shifted uneasily.

After her shower Darrah felt refreshed and ready to face whatever came next, she found the doctor chatting with Kylo about his injuries, “You'll be glad to know the muscles in your abdomen healed nicely sir,” he ran the scanner over them, “here,” he pointed to the holo projection, “the scar tissue has lessened so you should be more comfortable especially during physical exertion.” 

“My abilities? Will they return to normal?”

“I'm afraid I don't know much about the force sir,” he swiped the scanner from head to toe, “but your midichlorian count is increasing again, I will take another count in a few weeks. Something you may find interesting, Captain Mereel, “ he pulled up a read out with her face on it, “has higher than normal levels of midichlorians in her body composition, it's nowhere near your preinjury levels, but it's impressive.”

“Have you reported this to the Supreme Leader?”

“No sir, I thought I should bring it to your attention first,” the doctor shifted uneasily, “will this put her in danger?”

“You were right to tell me, purge that part of her record, there's no need to put her in danger like that,” Malvern nodded, entering a few keystrokes and Darrah saw a portion of her profile disappear. Kylo motioned to her, “Don't be afraid,” Darrah walked to him.

“What does this mean? “ She asked her hands shaking.

“It doesn't mean anything because the records no longer exist,” he could tell that she was not going to let it go,”the doctor is supposed to report any force sensitive people he finds, however you work for me, not the supreme leader he has no need to know about you.”

“What does he do with them?” Darrah asked, Dr Malvern looked down at his data pad.

“I don't know,” Kylo said softly, “originally some became my knights, but they've been disbanded, all doing separate work for the Supreme Leader. I don't know what he's doing with those we find now. The last one I found he wanted her brought to him, but she escaped. I will keep you safe from him, I promise,” he gazed into her eyes.

She laid down again beside him, his free arm curling around her, “I'm not worried,” she said making him smile.

Dr Malvern looked uncomfortable witnessing the tenderness between them, “Is the General aware of your relationship with Captain Mereel? “

“He's aware that we’re intimate, if that's what you're asking,” Kylo looked at her almost adoringly, “but after her rescue of myself and the troopers he has realized she is an asset that will become indispensable. The Supreme Leader does not care about such matters as long as it doesn't interfere with our cause. You feel protective of her, why?”

“It's been a long time since I've met someone like you Captain Mereel,” he took a breath, “someone genuinely concerned about those around them. I'm not sure you belong in the First Order.”

“Good thing I'm not in the First Order doctor,”she said with a smile before noticing a fine sheen of sweat had broken against Kylo’s skin, “I think your fever finally broke.”

Doctor Malvern scanned Kylo, “You need to continue the anti-toxin, but she's right your fever has broken.” The doctor smiled, “You're going to be fine sir.” Kylo nodded, “The medicine should only take about another hour or so,” the doctor took a deep breath, “not that you'll follow my advice but you should take another day or two of rest before returning to duty. “

Kylo eyed Darrah, “I might be persuaded to take a day or two,” Darrah smiled.

After the treatment finished the doctor removed the IV and left, “You need more sleep,” Kylo said pulling Darrah's head onto his chest she didn't fight him, “Thank you,” he said, Darrah looked up at him questioningly, “for saving me,” he blushed a little, “I owe you my life again,” she kissed his chin.

“I'll just put it on your tab,” he grinned and they both dozed off.

Next day

“You're cheating,” Kylo said with a aggravated sigh.

“Prove it,” Darrah said flashing a smile, “besides it's holochess.”

“You're not playing by holochess rules, you're playing dejarik.” He said trying not to get angry.

“There's really not a difference,” she said moving her piece, “besides in both games Grimmy,” she pointed to her Grimtaash, “takes out the K'lor'slugs.”

“Grimmy? “ He said smiling his anger almost forgotten, “and no it only does that in dejarik. In holochess it just weakens him,” she sighed.

“Fine revive your slug,” she said crossing her arms, Makk never protested losing his slugs she thought.

“Who's Makk?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“I didn't say Makk,” she said suddenly paranoid.

“No but you thought it really loudly,” he said moving his Ng'oks to counter her strider. Darrah chewed her fingernail, “And you said I'd hate him and he’d hate me when you were,” he chuckled, “under the influence of painkillers.”

“I’m never going to live that down am I?” Kylo shook his head grinning. “He and his wife raised me after my parents died, they took me in like I was theirs,” she looked at the board.

“And he let you cheat,” Ren said taking out her, Grimtaash, “Grimmy is down.” She stuck out her tongue, “Did they love you?”

“They did,” she said quietly a smile coming to her lips, “they weren't much of authoritarians. If I wanted to do something they usually let me. I think they missed the rules and boundaries part of parenting,” she sent her Ghhhk after his slug and it squealed as it went down. “One time a teacher put me in detention for fighting,” she collected her Grimtaash and put up another strider, “when Laeda found out why she went to the school and threatened the teacher with a vibroblade.”

“Why were you fighting,” he asked as he took out two more of her pieces while delicately sipping his wine. She grunted and threw her hands up in defeat.

“He called me a dirty tail head lover and a race traitor, so I broke his nose and called his mother a whore.”

Ren sputtered as his drink sprayed out of his mouth, “How old were you?”

“Nine I think? They threatened to expel me, but I think Makk paid someone off because Monday morning I went back to classes and no one said anything.”

“You were raised by non-humans?” He asked raising an eyebrow as the information sank in.

“What's it to you,” she asked bristling.

“I didn't mean anything by it. I was basically raised by a wookie, until they sent me away,” he took a deep breath trying to still his mind and prepare for the pain that normally accompanied thinking of Chewie. “I'm pretty sure my first words were in Shyriiwook, no matter how bad it got at home, I could always count on him to accept me. “ He wiped at a tear that escaped his eye.

“He sounds like a good friend to have,” she smiled sadly, “I used to beg Laeda to braid my hair in pigtails so I could have lekku,” she sniffled herself, “she's sick, Makk doesn't think she's going to last long.” She frowned, “I think you won this one Kylo.”

“Want to lay down for a while?” She nodded and headed back to his bed but he caught her arm and pulled her in for a hug. It shocked him when she latched onto him and started crying in earnest. “Hey,” he said completely lost for what to say, he stroked her back, “I'm sorry that I got you talking about it,” she turned her tear stained face to him and he kissed her tenderly. He felt it her walls were down again and he reveled in feeling her, he scooped her up and carried the to the bed laying down beside her, pulling her flush against himself. 

She continued to cry and he let her, just holding her until she stilled, he laced his fingers with hers, he realized he'd just witnessed something so intimate, so personal, that he was shocked, no one had ever shared something like that with him. “Ren?” She said softly wiping her eyes, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean,” she hiccuped.

“Don't,” he said stroking her back, “that was beautiful, “ she looked confused. “I've never seen anyone laid that bare in front of me by choice. The fact that you trust me enough to show me something like that,”he stroked her face.

Blushing Darrah said, “I don't let people in, but then I expect you know something about that,” he smiled sadly, “it's hard, when I get close, I shy away, I always end up feeling too much of them and it's always too much,” he tipped up her chin.

“Is it too much with me?”

Shaking her head she looked down, “No, when you do let your walls slip,” she looked into his eyes, “it blows me away, I can barely hold on and I want more.”

“When you let your guard down it's amazing,” he said softly, “No one let's me get close to them and frankly I like it that way, it's exhausting, but with you it's different.”

He felt her walls coming back up so he kissed her gently at first then with more force, “I want to try something,” he said while kissing her neck before returning to her lips, “keep your walls down if you can,” he concentrated dropping his own walls slowly as he kissed her letting more and more of his inner self press against hers. She shuddered, but he felt her reaching out like a tendril wrapping around him. He closed his eyes letting her feel him.

“How do you keep it in?” She asked but she didn't back down.

“Practice,” he said, “but sometimes it boils over,” he shuddered, she was in his head now, she could feel the rage and anger. She gasped at the intensity but kept going. Feeling his affection for her, she pressed her forehead against his. “I know,” he said. He pushed her back gently and he felt her uncoil from around him. “Do it slowly, slide back into yourself,” he kissed her. “Now you know me,” he said looking into her brown eyes.

“Is it always like that?” She asked nuzzling her face into his chest. His fingers threaded through her hair grazing her scalp.

“Mostly, but you bring me peace,” he placed a kiss in her hair. Her walls were still down, he stretched out his own tendrils going slow but she hissed as pain seared through her brain, he cursed pulling back. “I'm sorry, I can't do it as gently as you can.”

“It's okay,” she said, raising her eyes. “Try again,” he shook his head, “No I mean it. Kylo,” she said turning his face towards hers, “I want this.”

Stretching out he wrapped a tendril of awareness around her taking his time curling slowly going under her defenses until suddenly he was in her mind. The strength and solidness of her resolve floored him, he embraced it. She had the strength that he lacked and he knew it was something he would rely on, something he had already relied on. He kissed her delving deeper he felt loved, a love for everyone and everything. It left him breathless that she could care about everyone. The fondness she had for the troopers, her parents both deceased and living, and him. He gasped, she returned his feelings and she considered him under her protection and hers. 

He'd never felt anything like it and he didn't want it to end but he knew he couldn't stay in her mind forever, slowly he unfurled coming out, regaining his own mind and his own peace but he held on to  
her. 

“Well,” she said closing her eyes, “there's no reason to deny how we feel.”

He kissed her again, “No,” he said as he pulled her hand to his lips, “but it's fast and it's intense.”

“True,” she said as she stroked her hands through his thick hair, “but you felt it,” she stared him down.

“What that I'm yours ?” He found that it excited him, that her feelings matched his, he'd never felt something like this for another person.

“That you're mine,” she said softly, “and that I'm yours,” he took ragged breath.

He growled low in his throat and rolled on top of her, “Mine?”

“Yours,” she repeated breathlessly.


End file.
